10 things i learned in Fargo, North Dakota

1. i love target very much (even though i never bought anything there).
   
   
   
2. waaaay too many women say things like, "he's going to KILL me when he finds out i bought these shoes/this dress/this new lipstick/whatever!". i say, fuck him! no man i'm dating/living with/married to better ever complain about what i buy with my own money....he can kiss my ass!
   
   
   


3. no matter how thin i get, my legs will never be thin enough and/or the right shape to a wear a bathing suit with shorts bottoms without them looking like sausages exploding from their casings. so i need to admit that to myself and stop trying them on for goodness sake!
   
   


4. this summer there will be no shortage of young women running around in skirts that barely cover their asses because it seems that's the only thing they can buy.
   
   


5. someone seems intent on making all perfectly cute little summer tops and dresses look cheap as hell by putting cheap-ass hooker lace on them. i think it's a conspiracy.
   
   


6. the cookbook section of bookstores reminds me of the boy i'm trying to forget. i hate you stupid boy and stupid cookbooks!
   
   


7. americans are forced to listen to bad Can-con crap as well. i sincerely apologize for that.
   
   


8. in a totally unscientific study, i determined that the only difference between MTV and MuchMusic (the Canadian version of MTV) is more Alicia Keys.
   
   


9. apparently there is no inappropriate place to talk on a cell phone, including a hotel hot tub. yes, i was in the hot tub and a guy proceeded to talk for at least 30 minutes on his phone. and i think he only finally stopped because other hotel guests and the whirring jets were interrupting his privacy. good god.
   
   


10. men should not wear belly rings. and certainly not men with hairy stomachs. i didn't think that i needed to see a belly ring on a guy (go figure, it was on hot tub phone guy) to prove it but i guess i did. i don't want to see it again.

and for the grand finale....hives!

my relief has been short-lived. 2 hours after taking my 1st dose of rx i notice that i suddenly have a hive-y rash all over my knees and feet!

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

so now i've got to stop taking the medicine that was going to make me better but apparently i am allergic to and wait for to pharmacy to phone the crazy doctor who hopefully is still there so i can get a new prescription. i just do not have the energy for this.

.....just got a call from the pharmacy, the dr. is gone for the day. great. now i have to go back to the dr.'s office, see someone else, and get them to write me another prescription. fucking hell.

yay, i have bronchitis!

so after sleepless night #5 (yes, i was up and at the computer at 5 am again but thankfully didn't blog because i knew it would be boring as hell), i went to the doctor today because i've had enough of the aches and pains and cold sweats and cough syrup poison that isn't working. i hate going to the doctor because i find that because it's free, people go in whenever they're feeling the least bit sick and don't actually wait until there's something really wrong with them, so you end up sitting there for a long time waiting while people get told by the doctor to go to safeway, get some cold medicine and chicken soup, and go home and get some sleep.

so i go to the dr. and my mom says, "make sure you don't get dr. s". dr. s is this little squirrelly guy who types with 2 fingers and once started discussing my mom's x-ray with her and said she didn't have a broken ankle. problem was that she never had an ankle x-ray, she was there for sinus problems! nuff said. i finally get called in and lucky me, i get to see dr. s. he's still squirrelly as hell but he has finally learned to work the computer with more than 2 fingers....but he did drop my x-rays all over the floor. he also had a Lamb's rum mouse pad which really makes me wonder. so at least i don't have pneumonia. drugs, please get cracking!

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a little boy 'whatever' update. so my devotion to the guy with the girlfriend died off about 3 days after the drunken bar evening (thank goodness). i figured it would but considering how much sense i've been making lately, you never know. anywho, i'm over it but i ended up talking to a mutual friend of ours who said he had emailed her about the evening at the bar and mentioned that he couldn't remember my name! he's trying to hook me up with his friend and can't remember my name? i talked to him the phone 2 weeks ago and he can't remember my name? i've hung out with him at numerous group things for the last 4 years and he can't remember my name?....yeah, is it obvious that this is rubbing me the wrong way? seriously, my name is not very popular, at least not for women my age (it obviously starts with 'a' but i'm still a big paranoid chicken....and winnipeg is too effing small), i have only ever met one person with my first name and that was in elementary school and she was younger. anyway, it's f-ing memorable so what the hell is wrong with him?

so yeah....if my attraction to him hadn't died on its own, this would have certainly killed it. being so damn smart it hurts is sexy but not remembering the name of a girl you've hung out with multiple times is just plain rude, self-absorbed, and so not cool. so there!


and my good friend 'l' came through with a connection to the j-ashton guy and a bunch of us went out over the weekend (2 couples and the 2 of us)....we went to see "guess who" staring the real ashton (i'm still having icky feelings from that movie, maybe i'll blog about that some other time). unfortunately i was stoned sky high on cold medicine and felt pretty flaky. we chatted a bit and i still think he's nice and cute but i don't think he's interested. you know when you're just pretty darn sure he has no romantic interest in you? yeah, that. so i guess i've got to start making another list...

i am fucking up my own vacation...

this is night #4 of not being able to sleep and i'm starting to lose it. and i'm sick with some stupid chest cold thing so it's even worse because i desperately need the sleep to help me get better. and me not being able to sleep is a really bad thing because it makes me grumpy and unreasonable and gives me way too much time to think about shit (and i've been doing very well lately not thinking about that stupid xy thing that i shouldn't be thinking about in the first place because he's an ass and it's not worth it).

so i have 10 days off (8 of them left) and i'm not sleeping (but am very tired), have got the fucking chills, am congested as hell, and need to be healthy by tuesday when i have to drive to fargo with my mom. why can't i just take my red-coloured poison and be done with this?

...and i'm reading this back and i see that i make no fucking sense at 5:00 in the morning, go figure.

my uncle is dead...but no one told us

out of the blue yesterday, my dad asked me if there was anyway i could check on my computer if someone had died (he doesn't know very much about the internet...). he hadn't heard from my uncle or cousin in North Carolina in a while and was starting to wonder if my uncle was dead and nobody (meaning my fucking asshole wimp of a cousin) told us.

so today i tried looking up some obits in Charlotte newspapers and found one for my uncle. he died on Friday, March 4th, 2005 at the age of 90 and nobody fucking told us! my fucking asshole cousin had a funeral for his dad and didn't tell anyone! not the family in the US, not the family in Canada, none of us. so my poor dad had to call all of my cousins today and tell them that their uncle was dead. and has been for nearly a month.

i so want to get on a plane to Charlotte right now and kick my cousin's spineless ass....

stuff that surprises me...

the number of people who actually know, and will sing along to, 2 live crew's 1986 hit, "we want some pussy". i must have missed that day in school....i wonder if luther campbell ever imagined that 30-something suburban winnipeg white people would ever be having a "we want some pussaaaay" sing-a-long? weird.

(on a related note) the number of people who get offended by rude and sexual lyrics and videos rather than by how juvenile, stupid, or shitty the songs/videos actually are. personally, i think poor quality is way more offensive and insulting than some comical ass-shaking.

(surprised, but somehow relieved) that the movie "a thief in the night" has scarred many a church-going child. for a while i thought it was just me.

that not nearly enough people seem to think this shit is fucking scary and insane! blows me away. maybe the problem is they just haven't seen "a thief in the night"....

that in the 100+ years that cough syrup has existed, no one has been able to make a cherry-flavoured cough syrup that actually tastes like cherries as opposed to poison....and not even cherry-flavoured poison, just plain old red-coloured poison.

this is really sweet...i think

all this week my grade 8 zep t-shirt wearing buddy (the one who says i remind him of miss honey) has been skulking around the library clandestinely reading nature magazines and whispering about them as though they were porn or something.

so today was the last day of school before spring break and he comes by the library (which is not on his way out of the school) to tell me to have a nice break and to shake my hand. so i shake his hand and tell him to have a nice vacation too. and he says, "bye, i'll see you on tuesday". and i say monday (because that's when school starts again) and he says, "no, tuesday" and proceeds to explain that he's going skiing and is coming back late and he starts babbling, dancing around nervously, and gesticulating strangely. and his friend who's with him (the one who wears the brown sweatshirt every day), looks at him like he is a total maniac, because he is acting like a total maniac!

so...yeah, i think i have a fan. but it is good to have a 14 year old boy have a crush on you? in a way it's very sweet because 14 is a really shitty age to be because normally everything and everyone really sucks ass... so i guess it's kind of flattering....

yes, i'm posting at 6am...can't f-ing sleep

people should never 'drop it like it's hot' to a country song. ever. i saw someone do it last weekend and it's still haunting me. keeping me awake actually.

i love justin timberlake

in a total non-sexual little brother sort-of way. he reminds me of when i was 6 and loved michael jackson, back when michael was still sort of ok, or at least still pretending to be normal. i regularly listen to "justified" (which yes, i know, is a terrible terrible title) even though it's 3 years old, there's some good shit on there...seriously!

i only mention this because my boy is featured on the new snoop dog song "signs" and i'm very excited. and charlie wilson from the gap band is on there too singing a sample from "early in the morning" so i get my 70s funk fix as well.

all this may just redeem snoop for that "drop it like it's hot i recorded this in my basement while fucking stoned out of my mind one evening but it doesn't matter because the kids will still eat up any shit i put out" percussive clucking garbage...not that i really care because it's all about justin.

my requests to....

the sun: come out already! i write this nice story about you and then you make a liar of me the very next day. that's mean.

the kids at school: return your books from december and january. do i have to hunt you down? i'm sick and tired of looking at these messy circ cards.

my libido: fucking chill out! you'll get some in good time. and you might want to consider getting riled by guys who are actually available....just a thought.

my new haircut: stabilize so i can decide if i'm truly happy with you or not because the window for getting you fixed for free is narrowing by the minute.

my body: decide what size you want to be. as much as i love being thinner, i'd rather not have 4 sizes of clothes in my closet. so please, if i'm going to stay this small, let me know so i can purchase a pair of jeans that aren't from walmart because i'm poor and don't want to spend good money on clothes i'll only wear for a few months (although the walmart jeans are surprisingly fashionable).

celexa: thank you from the bottom of my heart.

a

every day when i go in to work, i walk around the front of the school. most staff members go in the back or side doors but i always walk in the main front doors. right now that means that i have to walk through piles of snow and slush on a sort-of path that may or may not be clear depending on the day. but i still do it every day. i start work at 12:30, so when i show up around 12:15, i walk from the parking lot in the shadow of the side of the school. but there's this one point, as i turn the corner, i step over this imaginary line and into the sun, and it's beautiful. and the sun hits my face and it's the best feeling ever...an instant good mood. i wish i could bottle it or something.

a

sometimes i'm such a loser i crack myself up....

so saturday's flirting rampage made me realize that there are some nice guys out there (50 cent's evil Canadian twin excluded) and there actually are some boys i might consider hanging out with (to hell with a long-term relationship right now, i'd just like someone to hang out with).

so the prospects are:

1) M (age: 29 or 30 i think, gainfully employed)

Pros
-smart as hell
-tall
-employed
-crazy fucking funny
-did i mention that he's smart as hell?

Cons
-hello? he has a lovely girlfriend and is not available!

aside: i have obviously completely lost my mind and there is totally something wrong with me. i flirt with half a dozen guys and the one i keep thinking about is the one with the girlfriend. and he's not even the kind of guy i would normally find attractive but he's so goddamn smart it kills me. man, i am such a sucker for brains. and the silly thing is that i love his girlfriend, she's awesome! but if he had been single on Saturday there would have been no flirting with his university professor friend (who apparently has published 4 books and 40 articles...like i fucking care); it would have totally been the A & M show! but he's NOT AVAILABLE you stupid girl! this stupidity will die, i know it.

....anyway, back to the list


2) S (age: 23 years old, commerce graduate)

Pros
-i could manipulate him all to hell (and there's something perversely appealing about that)
-i have some strange fixation with him...not quite sure why

Cons
-23 years old
-i think he still lives at home (and since i live at home right now, that's not good)
-talks to goddamn much
-knows everything (because he is 23)
-i could manipulate him all to hell


3) PG (age: gotta be at least 30, university history professor)

Pros
-gainfully employed
-obviously interested in me
-intelligent

Cons
-lives in ontario
-i don't think i'm interested in him at all


4) J-Ashton (age: i have no idea how old he is, my guess would be 25 or 26, employed)

Pros
-cute
-goofy
-employed
-a boy who actually dances!

Cons
-maybe too young (i really don't think i can go lower than 25)
-don't know much about him, could be an ass


5) J (age: 31, self-employed)

Pros
-smart
-talented
-funny
-we get along really well

Cons
-just got out of a long term relationship
-history of bad taste in women


...and i know i'm talking as though i actually have a chance with any of these guys but goddamn-it, my abs are that good, i swear! .....seriously, i really have no idea if any of them are genuinely interested in me or not and once i disregard my intelligent taken guy obsession and the out of town guy i don't care about, there are only 3 real possibilities. the S thing is unlikely because i think i'd want to fucking kill him. that might be a 'flirt when we hang out' kinda thing just for my amusement. the J thing i don't think i should push, we should keep hanging around as friends and if it happens, it happens. so that leaves J-Ashton as the only real possibility. i really don't know him at all so i need to keep fishing for information. L, the birthday girl, email me back already dammit!

a

just got home....it's 3:00 in the afternoon....

kay, well i went out last night and it was the best thing i could have done. it was a double birthday party for 2 of my friends; L turned 25 (still just a young'in...) and S turned 29 (we've been friends since before kindergarten). we went to this stupid bar and danced and drank and danced and drank some more. and i didn't give a shit what anyone thought, it was great.

and i flirted like fucking crazy. i flirted with the 23 year old boy with braces, i flirted with the newfie who reminded me of ashton kutcher, i flirted with the history professor from ontario, i flirted with my friend who had left his girlfriend at home (all in good fun of course)....i was on a mad tear. some guy in a wheelchair grabbed my ass. and some crazy 50 cent wannabe (ick) wanted me to take him home but wouldn't show me the goods first (there was some comparing of abs going on). he was all, "can you handle this? or am i too much for you?". i told him that yeah, he was way too much for me.

totally doing this again soon.

a

i really really want to delete that last blog, but i need to leave it up. i hate that he still has so much of an effect on me to make me want to do ridiculous things that i don't really want to do, it's humiliating. and it's making me cry just thinking about it.

...fuck, i'm so goddamn lonely.

hopeless...

so my st. patrick's day 'fuck you' birthday message was kind of a combo joke/vent...maybe less of a joke than i actually want it to be because i'm still feeling burned. i was the one who said we couldn't talk anymore but what i really want is for him to call me, or run into me, or ask about me so i can tell him where to go. this is totally not going to happen but i think it would make me feel better. i still have questions i want to ask him. i want to know if everything he said to me was a bunch of lies, if he ever really had feelings for me, or if it was all bullshit. and if it was all bullshit, why did he bother? i'm considering sending him a letter or email just to try and close this for me. this is what i want to say...


Dear 'insert his name here',

I was hoping not to have to do this. I was hoping that not seeing you and not talking to you for a while would just stop all the questions for me, that I would just not give a shit. And while I don't feel stupid anymore, I just have more and more questions because I feel like I never actually got any real answers from you.

Do you really want to be my friend? I have to wonder because I think if you really wanted to be my friend, that's what you would have done in the first place. You would have acted like a friend and not like something else. It's kind of funny that you told me you didn't want to ruin our friendship by attempting something romantic, when at that point, the friendship had already been ruined by attempting something romantic. I guess what I really want is to know why. Why did you change things? Were you just pretending to like me as more than a friend? Because in retrospect, that's what it seems to me that you were doing.

I want to know why you want to be friends, what you want from me as a friend, and how you think it's possible to do that. I want to know why you bothered with the non-platonic stuff if you just wanted to be friends. I want to know what was the truth and what was a lie. I want to know why you couldn't be straight with me in the first place when I was totally honest and forthcoming with you and told you that I needed honesty back from you. I want to know how I can trust you again. And I don't want anymore of the "I messed up" and "I did things without thinking" answers that you gave me before. I don't think that's true, we don't just do things for no reason and I think you're way more self-aware than that.

I don't know if sending you a letter is the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm going to get the answers I need or want from you. But I figure it can't do any harm to ask since we're already not talking...I guess the worst that can happen is that we won't talk again.

'me'




am i fucking nuts to be thinking of sending this? to want answers? to think i'll get through and get the answers i want? i just think that until i know if he was lying the whole time, i'm going to think about it and it'll drive me crazy...and i don't know how else to get the answers i think i need.

a

happy birthday to the asshole!

Dear boy who obviously fed me nothing but bullshit and lies for several months,

happy 26th birthday. i hope this year brings you more common sense, particularly when dealing with women. and hopefully the common sense will kick in before you drag in some other unsuspecting soul and crush her too, leaving her going, "what the fuck just happened?".

maybe you should just go back to your ex-girlfriend of 6 years who you claim to not be able to be with but can't seem to get over. seriously, if you really want a huge church wedding, a minivan, 4 children, and an ugly house in the suburbs, i'm sure she can give that to you. but if you actually want to pursue tv, you seriously think she'll follow you around? no fucking way. so stop pushing the adventurous girls aside, the ones who want to try new things, the ones who aren't afraid of moving to the 'big city', the ones who see that kind of thing as an adventure.

whatever, have fun spending your birthday alone on the air and then alone at home. wish i could be there but you fucked that up royally.

from the still pissed at you underemployed girl with the hot new haircut, nice ass, and team of killer grade 3s who will smother you to death with love and politeness.

happy st. patrick's day, and please kiss my 1/8th Irish ass!

a

Matiko Talia you are so hot....

since i've been feeling kinda shitty about things lately, here is my list of not so terrible things that have actually happened in the last couple of days....


i saw my grade 3s today -they are the cutest, sweetest, nicest children i have ever met. so well behaved that at times i wonder if they are super-advanced realistic robots. i love them. and it's impossible to be grumpy when an adorable 8 year old girl asks you if "The Christmas Kitten" book is back or a cute little guy named taz (of all things) asks for a book on how to draw cartoons. too effing sweet.

i got my hair cut -i look very cute. very.

i caught some guys checking out my ass -i'm not always big on that but it was a surprisingly nice ego boost and made up a little bit for the multiple job rejections, being totally underemployed, and not feeling particularly attractive/desirable in general. so i may be unsuccessful, poor, and single but at least i have a nice ass!

i'm going to be volunteering at a pre Juno award event (the canadian version of the grammy awards, much smaller, way less eventful) -should be fun and maybe there will be some cute boys there.

i love these boots -love them! yes, i know i can't afford them because they would cost more than a week's pay but they are so beautiful....i shall remain happy just to covet them online for now.




the end

fucking government, i should tell everyone i know about your top-secret interview bullshit...

yesterday i found out that for sure i didn't get any of the job/s i didn't kiss ass for in quebec a couple of weeks ago. i wasn't a first choice, or a second choice (or a 10th or 11th choice for that matter) which looks exceptionally bad considering that lots of people got 3 or 4 1st choice offers.

initially i hadn't been upset about it but today it really hit me when i got an email from a guy who was also at the job fair. he was pretty odd and he got a job today! he did and i didn't! and today i keep getting emails from our 'list' with people saying "congrats! see you in ottawa where we can spend all this money the government will be giving us! yay!". fuck that.

when i wasn't the only loser who didn't get chosen i didn't feel so bad...now that i am the only person i know who didn't get selected (i don't know who the other 9 rejects are, maybe i should try and find them) and considering that there were 45 people and 35 positions and i could have been considered for nearly 20 of them (which is pretty good odds), i feel shafted. and i know i should feel good because hell, i was 1 of 45 chosen (out of 2000 applicants)...that's pretty damn good! right? right. but i still feel shitty, it's the fucking rejection that never seems to end that really burns.

a

i'm not supposed to hold all this in anymore so here goes...

*note: this post may, more like 'will', be totally irrational, please disregard that because as a typical thoughtful, practical, and anal virgo, i am unlikely to act on any of it without sufficient encouragement. waiting patiently for the sufficient encouragement....

because i'm trying to purge and get over stuff i decided to try to keep track of all the not-helpful-to-me thoughts that i have about the object of my "fuck you" whatever-that-was-blog. and yesterday and today i tried but it got so out of control that i couldn't keep track of them anymore. shit! i do anything involving this boy and suddenly i become totally irrational and stupid, it's scary. i was sitting at work scowling at kids who kept wanting help and books checked out (of all the things to want in a library...) and were interrupting my thoughts about said boy, not cool.

i just sat there making up scenarios where we might run into one another, developing imaginary conversations to have with him in those imaginary scenarios, writing the letter i'd like to send him telling him how much of an asshole he is, writing his very apologetic and ass-kissing reply. i was thinking about showing up places i know he'll be and about sending him my "fuck you" whatever-it-was-blog....

it's as though i just want to ensure that he's hurting too, to have proof of that or something. i got a succinct but lovely comment on my blog (thanks again for that megan) saying that he's miserable too and i soooo want to believe that. but i have a feeling that he's just off being a 25 year old boy (26 in 3 days...), not worrying about me at all and thinking he's the bigger person because he's moved on and i'm still dwelling on this and can't be his 'friend'. i'm not fucking dwelling, i'm fucking injured you jerk....

fuck, this is a big fucking mess. stopping now.

a

this funny grade 8 boy with crazy hair and Led Zeppelin t-shirts told me today that i remind him of Miss Honey, the nice teacher, from 'Matilda'. i wasn't sure if that was a good thing or an insult so i had to find out who the hell he was talking about.

apparently i remind this kid of embeth davidtz...


(i deliberately used the sexiest picture of her that i could find)

she is 10 years older than i am but the 'Matilda' movie is 9 years old so i'm not offended. i don't really think i look like her (although there are some similarities: dark brown hair, big brown eyes, similar mouth) but if a 14 year old boy wants to pay me a compliment, i'm taking it damn it...because it may never happen again. she is pretty cute. i'm going to have to watch the movie now.

a

if only...

i could find a decent job here so i wouldn't have to consider disrupting my life and moving away from all my family and friends again.

likelihood of this happening? i honestly don't know. i just know that i am approaching the 1 year anniversary of graduating with my apparently useless MLIS degree and have yet to find a decent full time job here. and as much as i love being a part-time library clerk in an elementary school making $1000/month...yeah, not cutting it anymore.


i could figure out who the actress/model is in that Baileys commercial. you know...the one where everyone at the party appears to be on quaaludes? the girl is lying on the couch and one of her stoned friends tries to pour the last drop of Baileys in her mouth while everyone giggles hysterically. i want her haircut dammit!

likelihood of this happening? possible. i saw her in a magazine today (yes, i was reading mom's boring-ass Chatelaine again) and emailed them to ask who she was. maybe they will be nice and tell me.


my friend would stop talking about her effing wedding and letting her fiancee pick out all the girly stuff! he isn't wearing my goddamn bridesmaid dress so why does he get to help select the material?

likelihood of this happening? very unlikely. she is quickly becoming a nitpicky nightmare bride and won't even let me bring a date to the wedding because i don't have a husband or serious long-term boyfriend anymore. fucking rude.

btw, at the lovely july wedding i'm going to look like the one in white. except in blue. and way hotter...and with considerably more ass.

(sorry for the photo quality but i'm still new at this picture posting stuff. check out the dress online for a clearer view)


a

fuck you

fuck you for liking me

fuck you for sucking me in and making me like you back and then not giving things a chance

fuck you for thinking we could just go back to normal and for acting all surprised when we couldn't

fuck you for going about your life as usual and forgetting about me while i'm still thinking about you

fuck me for still thinking about you

i don't get it

when people on tv and in films say, "nice to meet you 'person's full name'" when meeting someone for the first time.

i have never said, or felt inclined to say, "nice to meet you Jason Winters" when i first met the imaginary boy Jason Winters. and i don't think anyone has ever said that to me and thank goodness for that because it would creep me out if they did. i'm prone to thinking that normal people would just say my first name or a simple, "nice to meet you". and while i'm sure the first person who used that line intended it to be cute and flirty or something, it's unfortunately no longer cute and flirty.

grrr....

i'm grumpy and i don't really know why, things are just kinda blah. i feel like i've been in such a rush or something this week and i don't like it. and when i try to slow down, it just doesn't happen. when i get home from work i have my little 'alone' routine of checking my email/ doing computer stuff/watching tv for about an hour all by myself without disruption. that means no talking or phone calls or questions or chatting on msn. and this is really hard to do when i am currently temporarily living with my parents who have all sorts of unimportant things to tell me the instant i get home from work. so today i walk through the door and my mom starts throwing silly questions at me and i run to go hide in the basement. the second i turn on my computer my ex messages me and makes me switch from icq to msn so he can show me something. once i'm on msn, someone else messages me...and then the phone rings. i thought my brain was going to f-ing explode. and i finally tell my ex that i've got to go and he keeps messaging back with annoying things like "ttly", "talk to you later", "give me a call", and all this stupid shit. i've already said 'bye', ok? so leave me alone.

so now i'm grumpy and tired and have to make myself cute to go out in a few hours when all i really want to do is sit around in my pjs, watch law&order, eat m&ms and fuzzy peaches, and wish for a pox to fall on my evil boy nemesis.

a

a weird thing...at least i think so.

going to a bar on a saturday night and being served coke in a plastic glass. and not a plastic glass like you might have at home in your kitchen, but a flimsy one that you might get free with your big gulp at Sev or with your happy meal. seriously, it was a promo cup for that bad new Keanu movie Constantine. and me asking (jokingly) if i could keep the lovely Constantine promo cup because of course they're not going to reuse a cheap plastic glass, right? and being told no, i have to give it back. and me being really grossed out because some unknowing soul will be served a coke in my plastic Constantine cup, which was probably never mine to begin with. icky.

a

the whole boy disaster story.

i am really annoyed at myself these days because i am having big problems getting over this guy with whom i didn't even really have a 'relationship'. there are parts of the story scattered throughout my blog but since my goal is to be more truthful on this blog, i'm just going to put the whole story out there in one piece so it makes sense.

this guy and i were hanging out fairly regularly in a purely platonic friendship relationship (i had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was so messed-up about that that i wasn't even considering anything new) and after a few months he indicated that he was interested in me in a romantic way. i thought it seemed a bit risky for me but having someone be attracted to you and show you a lot of attention is an easy way to get sucked in. and he was funny and cute and interesting, we wouldn't have been friends otherwise, and i never take risks like that so i why not give it a try. so i went with it and opened myself up and ended up getting fucking burned, badly. it all culminated with the bullshit "i don't want to ruin our friendship" speech which WAS absolute bullshit because if you really think dating is going to ruin the friendship, you don't approach someone romantically in the first place...and once you already have, it's too fucking late to go back and 'un-ruin' things! so what he was really saying was that he wasn't interested in me anymore at all which threw me for a loop because he was the initiator in all of this. so i had made myself fucking vulnerable for nothing and now he was telling me that he just wanted to be friends again; problem was, i still had a huge crush on him. what a fucking kick in the ass. so i had a brief (but really bad) meltdown where i told him we couldn't talk for a while, drank some wine, took too many sleeping pills, cried until i couldn't anymore, and fell asleep in my clothes. i spent a few weeks trying to get over it and attempting to be a reasonable grown-up who could have 'friendship' with the boy who fucking crushed her.

so i contacted him once i thought i was ok and left a message on his answering machine and waited and waited for him to call me back. he finally did and we had the world's most awkward conversation where he basically pretended nothing happened and ended with me feeling like shit and him saying he'd email me (which would normally mean in 1, 2 days max). so for 3 days i fucking waited. and compulsively checked my email even more than usual and totally tortured myself waiting for him to contact me. i was fine as long as i was the one to be initiating contact but once he had the upper hand i turned into a useless, pining idiot and i realized that this was not cool. so at the end of day 3 when i didn't get an email from him i called and told him that i couldn't talk or be friends with him right now because i still had feelings for him and i was going to get hurt every time we talked/hung out/whatever because my feelings weren't reciprocated. and he was a selfish asshole and said "but i don't want to not talk to you until august?" (to which i replied, "it's not really your decision") and asked if he could email me (which part of "we can't talk" didn't he get?).

so i haven't even seen him in over a month and that phone conversation was about two weeks ago. so even though he told me that he has no romantic interest in me, i can't seem to get past that. in my brain i know he doesn't want me and never will and i'm not so much of a masochist that i am going to make an ass of myself and try and convince him to like me....but this little part of me keeps saying "maybe if you do 'x', he'll like you again" which is ridiculous. and i keep having these lame fantasies where he calls me (even though i told him not to) or writes me a long letter apologizing for his asshole behaviour saying that he misses me and realizes that i am the perfect woman, etc. and i read this and realize how sick this sounds and how i look like a f-ing madwoman...which is entirely the point! i can't fucking get over this guy and it is ridiculous. and even when i'm doing well and not torturing myself it's impossible to avoid thinking or hearing about him because he's the one who lives on the way to fucking everywhere, he still interacts with a few of my friends, AND he works in the local radio/tv industry in an audible/visible position!

so yeah, not sure where this leaves me...i feel like i'm 14 again or something -and not in a good way.

a

the truth is...

for just over a month now i've been writing in this blog, trying to divide myself between my other more private blog...and it's not fucking working! this has been the sanitized, way less interesting version of me and i don't like it. and i keep forgetting to update the other blog so it's just been sitting there until i finally remember...something always gets neglected and i don't like feeling so fractured.

problem is, i'm just fucking paranoid. i won't use a debit card because i'm worried about being traceable (my bank actually had to force me to get one), the idea of getting my fingerprints taken for a job makes me want to vomit, and i keep thinking, "what if someone i work with/am bitching about/ etc. sees this and hates me/tells on me/whatever?" the possibilities are slim but i just worry. fuck, i'm stupid. that's the reason i don't post any pictures, because that would give people who thought it was me the proof they needed. and i'm fucking terrified my ex-bf will find this (he has a blog on here and told me that he's looking for mine) and start reading it regularly and start finding out shit about me that i don't particularly want him to know. not that we have a bad relationship -- for 2 people who split up 3 months ago we're doing pretty darn good, but there's stuff i really don't want him to know or to discuss with him. ever.

on my other blog, i say pretty much whatever and i'm not worried about anyone finding stuff because there are no markers to really identify me but that's half the problem --i've been there 3 months and no one comments on anything. fuck, i'm never fucking happy...i want to be anonymous but i want people to comment. hell, i'm not even sure what i want! but on here, there are lots of cool people who seem to be around reading other people's stuff and commenting if it's interesting...but unfortunately, this is not where i'm sharing the interesting stuff (when it does happen on occasion) and being me and swearing too much and being the grumpy roaring bitch that is often who i am.

ok, so maybe i'll take a chance and start being candid here and see where that gets me since no one reads this anyway. and if i suddenly disappear it's because my ex found it and i had to relocate.

a

apparently i'd rather have a bad hair day than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.....

i just got hijacked by a telephone interviewer/market research guy...he sounded like he was in someone's basement or something. so i go along with his survey and he asks me questions about meat and grocery stores for 10 minutes. and then suddenly the guy asks if i'd ever had a bad hair day. i start laughing and say that these are weird questions. and he proceeds to ask questions about how often i have bad hair days and if i find it distressing and if have not gone to work/the grocery store/out to dinner with my family/out on a date/etc. because of bad hair. and i'm like, "are you stupid? of course not.". and then he asks if i'd rather have a bad hair day over a broken heel on my shoe/smudged mascara/a pimple/static cling/a headache/a colonoscopy/whatever. seriously, i'm not making this shit up. fucking hilarious.

a

john mayer: man of lies...

i hate john mayer. and he must be stopped. well, that one song about him running through the halls of his high school can stay but everything else is out! seriously, never before have someone’s simpering, mushy, overly-sensitive, and sentimental songs caused me to plummet into despair so quickly and make me feel that my life is totally inadequate and that i will live out the rest of my life as a pathetic lonely old maid. thanks so much for that john.

i especially despise that 'Your body is a wonderland' song. that song is so gross....it's like, more lies from john as he tries to score with yet another girl by appearing super sensitive, romantic, and thoughtful. because truly, you're the only girl i'll ever love. i swear. cross my heart! whatever, you're not fooling anyone john, certainly not me. like she's the only girl you're feeding this bullshit to. i mean that Nickelback 'I like your pants around your feet' song might be horribly stupid and crude but at least it's fucking honest! it's all about getting a piece of ass. just be a man and admit it!

a

*note: this rant may be a bit out of date because i don't think he's quite as popular anymore. and no, i'm not bitter because i'm not in a relationship right now, i hated him even when i was. however, i still need to get this out because even if i don't have to hear his crap music of lies all the time, i still cringe when i do. and i probably will for the rest of my life.

what are you? (another annoying thing...)

when i meet someone for the first time and 10 minutes into the conversation they're busy guessing my ethnic background as though it's some kind of fun game for everyone. no, i'm not greek. no, i'm not italian either. i am a lovely mixed-breed mutt of a person and i don't see why i should have to explain to you why i look the way that i do. plus, i think it is very rude to ask a stranger a question like that.

a

stuff that irritates me...(that most people don't give a shit about)

• that they are making a Wonder Woman movie (friggin-A!) and Jessica "i am the dullest woman on earth" Biel and Kim "how old are you again?" Basinger are on the short list to play her (ick!). first of all, talk about opposites, sounds like the writers have no idea what they're doing...and if they cast kimmy they'd might as well ask Lynda Carter if she wants to do it because they're pretty close in age. and didn't they know that i really, really wanted to drool over jessica alba outfitted in red boots and armed with golden lasso for 2 hours? how inconsiderate.

• when i announce to someone that i'm in a bad mood and explain why i'm in a bad mood and proceed to tell them that i don't want to hang out because i'm in a bad mood and then they ask, "are you ok?"

• when people lie to my face about having returned their library books or pretend they never signed them out in the first place. i know you haven't returned them, it's your handwriting on the circ card (yes, i work in a library that still uses circ cards and a date stamp), and i was the one who stamped the damn card for you when you took the book out in the first place! just admit you lost it.

• couples who wear matching outfits (like winter jackets or polar fleece). how fucking cute. even worse when they walk around the mall holding hands in their matching outfits.

• when people use the word "quality" without qualifying it. like when someone says, "we have quality people on staff here". don't they realize that means absolutely nothing?

• bad spelling/grammar overall. i absolutely understand typos (i'm as guilty as the next guy), the occasional word that a person might find difficult, and making up fun words for your own purposes (i.e., 'dullest') but i'm of the opinion that you should not be allowed to graduate from high school if you haven't mastered the appropriate usage of their, there, & they're. call me a snob or a grammar nazi or whatever (i'm ok with that), but you immediately lose credibility if you can't use these 3 words properly. but i guess if this was the rule i know plenty of people (in relatively powerful jobs actually) in their 30s and 40s who would still be in grade 12, but maybe that would be best for everyone.

• john mayer. irritates me to no end. (one day i will go into my whole "why john mayer is evil and must be stopped rant". i'd expand now but i'm hungry.)

a

yet another thing i'll never be good at

i am not a very good ass-kisser. i think it's because i really don't care about things like impressing people i don't know and will probably never see again. why bother? anyway, sucking up is really draining to me and is up there with role-play exercises and kidney infections on my least of least-favourite things in life. this past weekend i was away in quebec at part 4 of this seemingly never-ending job interview. basically it was a 3 day schmoozing opportunity with 40 or so applicants battling each other for about 30 jobs. the employers had their own kiosks set up and we were supposed to circulate, mingle, and get interviews with them (if they hadn't already selected us); basically it was hours and hours of ass-kissing. i'm basically an introvert with strangers, with my friends i'm loud and annoying and silly but with strangers, i have a hard time being outgoing especially when i'm pretending to be interested in something i'm not. so at this 'interview', i had to mingle with people, trying to make them love me for 3 days and it was totally fake and exhausting and they didn't end up knowing anything about me in the end...my face is still stiff from all that stupid smiling....i'd better get the stupid job.

a

sleeping pills are good, yet evil...

i've always had difficulty sleeping. it takes forever for me to fall asleep, at least an hour or so at the very minimum, and i usually end up waking up multiple times throughout the night so it's never really restful when i actually get to sleep. what i wouldn't give to be one of those people who falls asleep in minutes and sleeps through the night. my insomnia is worse when i'm stressed (which i have been in the last few months).

a while back i was taking this stuff called zopiclone to help me sleep, shit is it dangerous stuff! i would find that i would sleep like a baby but not be able to remember anything that happened the night before after i had taken the pills. apparently i forgot making out with my boyfriend while on it one time (he was NOT happy about that, kinda creeped him out understandably). anyway, last night i got home from quebec; was burnt but hyper from 3 days of schmoozing and little sleep so i took a pill and just hung out and watched crap tv for a few hours. i slept so-so because this drug seems to lose its effect if you take it for more than a few months (even if you haven't taken it in a year or so) but today i woke up and couldn't remember what i had done the night before. so after work i sat down in front of the tv and grabbed a video tape of some show (ok, i admit it, it was american idol...everyone is allowed some trash ok!) thinking that i hadn't seen it yet. i start watching and realize that the shirt that paula abdul is wearing looks very familiar...after a few minutes i finally realize that i had already seen the entire show the day before but couldn't remember. that freaks me out a bit and i try to remember what else i had watched last night. i know i watched law & order but couldn't remember anything past the first 15 minutes. i ask my friend who i was watching with if i had actually seen the entire episode and asked her to describe it to me and i couldn't remember anything she said. so yeah, not going to be taking those pills again anytime soon.

so the moral is, avoid the crazy zopiclone it if you can, nothing good can come of it...except blocking out things you don't want to remember, i wish that power could be harnessed. at least if i get sleeping pill amnesia, i want to at least sleep through the night as well.

a

oh, the problem was that you were my inverted king of pentacles....i shoulda seen it coming

well i've been an absentee blogger recently because i've been trapped in a hotel in quebec, aylmer of all places, for the last 3 days or so. i'll describe the procedure later on when i'm more awake but the best thing there happened the first night. 3 of us sat around drinking wine, semi-watching the clothes on the oscars, and getting our tarot cards read. i've only had it done a couple of times and didn't really get much out of it but i thought it would be fun. so it was my turn and all these "bad" cards keep showing up. a giant heart with swords piercing it, a girl sobbing hysterically on the floor, that kind of thing....anyway, the reader seemed a bit distressed but i saw immediately how the cards related to my question. i have had 3 different kinds of heartache in the last little while and am feeling down about my romantic life (although i've been feeling much better than i was earlier in the year). but apparently the bad boy luck is going to continue for a bit (shitty), but after that passes i'll have to make a choice between 2 men. apparently i should trust my gut because it will be right (which was crazy to have her tell me because i'm currently working on trying to trust my gut and get over my issues of chronic self-doubt). the reading also showed the inverted king of pentacles (which also surprised my card reader since i am a typical virgo and normally very contemplative and restrained) which indicated hedonism, and risk taking, and a 'if it feels good do it'/disregard for logic kind of mentality (which i had a brief and damaging lapse into recently). so overall the reading was totally on in kind of a scary way. now i'm just looking forward to those 2 great men i get to choose from...well, i hope they're great!

a