the whole boy disaster story.

i am really annoyed at myself these days because i am having big problems getting over this guy with whom i didn't even really have a 'relationship'. there are parts of the story scattered throughout my blog but since my goal is to be more truthful on this blog, i'm just going to put the whole story out there in one piece so it makes sense.

this guy and i were hanging out fairly regularly in a purely platonic friendship relationship (i had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was so messed-up about that that i wasn't even considering anything new) and after a few months he indicated that he was interested in me in a romantic way. i thought it seemed a bit risky for me but having someone be attracted to you and show you a lot of attention is an easy way to get sucked in. and he was funny and cute and interesting, we wouldn't have been friends otherwise, and i never take risks like that so i why not give it a try. so i went with it and opened myself up and ended up getting fucking burned, badly. it all culminated with the bullshit "i don't want to ruin our friendship" speech which WAS absolute bullshit because if you really think dating is going to ruin the friendship, you don't approach someone romantically in the first place...and once you already have, it's too fucking late to go back and 'un-ruin' things! so what he was really saying was that he wasn't interested in me anymore at all which threw me for a loop because he was the initiator in all of this. so i had made myself fucking vulnerable for nothing and now he was telling me that he just wanted to be friends again; problem was, i still had a huge crush on him. what a fucking kick in the ass. so i had a brief (but really bad) meltdown where i told him we couldn't talk for a while, drank some wine, took too many sleeping pills, cried until i couldn't anymore, and fell asleep in my clothes. i spent a few weeks trying to get over it and attempting to be a reasonable grown-up who could have 'friendship' with the boy who fucking crushed her.

so i contacted him once i thought i was ok and left a message on his answering machine and waited and waited for him to call me back. he finally did and we had the world's most awkward conversation where he basically pretended nothing happened and ended with me feeling like shit and him saying he'd email me (which would normally mean in 1, 2 days max). so for 3 days i fucking waited. and compulsively checked my email even more than usual and totally tortured myself waiting for him to contact me. i was fine as long as i was the one to be initiating contact but once he had the upper hand i turned into a useless, pining idiot and i realized that this was not cool. so at the end of day 3 when i didn't get an email from him i called and told him that i couldn't talk or be friends with him right now because i still had feelings for him and i was going to get hurt every time we talked/hung out/whatever because my feelings weren't reciprocated. and he was a selfish asshole and said "but i don't want to not talk to you until august?" (to which i replied, "it's not really your decision") and asked if he could email me (which part of "we can't talk" didn't he get?).

so i haven't even seen him in over a month and that phone conversation was about two weeks ago. so even though he told me that he has no romantic interest in me, i can't seem to get past that. in my brain i know he doesn't want me and never will and i'm not so much of a masochist that i am going to make an ass of myself and try and convince him to like me....but this little part of me keeps saying "maybe if you do 'x', he'll like you again" which is ridiculous. and i keep having these lame fantasies where he calls me (even though i told him not to) or writes me a long letter apologizing for his asshole behaviour saying that he misses me and realizes that i am the perfect woman, etc. and i read this and realize how sick this sounds and how i look like a f-ing madwoman...which is entirely the point! i can't fucking get over this guy and it is ridiculous. and even when i'm doing well and not torturing myself it's impossible to avoid thinking or hearing about him because he's the one who lives on the way to fucking everywhere, he still interacts with a few of my friends, AND he works in the local radio/tv industry in an audible/visible position!

so yeah, not sure where this leaves me...i feel like i'm 14 again or something -and not in a good way.

a