the truth is...

for just over a month now i've been writing in this blog, trying to divide myself between my other more private blog...and it's not fucking working! this has been the sanitized, way less interesting version of me and i don't like it. and i keep forgetting to update the other blog so it's just been sitting there until i finally remember...something always gets neglected and i don't like feeling so fractured.

problem is, i'm just fucking paranoid. i won't use a debit card because i'm worried about being traceable (my bank actually had to force me to get one), the idea of getting my fingerprints taken for a job makes me want to vomit, and i keep thinking, "what if someone i work with/am bitching about/ etc. sees this and hates me/tells on me/whatever?" the possibilities are slim but i just worry. fuck, i'm stupid. that's the reason i don't post any pictures, because that would give people who thought it was me the proof they needed. and i'm fucking terrified my ex-bf will find this (he has a blog on here and told me that he's looking for mine) and start reading it regularly and start finding out shit about me that i don't particularly want him to know. not that we have a bad relationship -- for 2 people who split up 3 months ago we're doing pretty darn good, but there's stuff i really don't want him to know or to discuss with him. ever.

on my other blog, i say pretty much whatever and i'm not worried about anyone finding stuff because there are no markers to really identify me but that's half the problem --i've been there 3 months and no one comments on anything. fuck, i'm never fucking happy...i want to be anonymous but i want people to comment. hell, i'm not even sure what i want! but on here, there are lots of cool people who seem to be around reading other people's stuff and commenting if it's interesting...but unfortunately, this is not where i'm sharing the interesting stuff (when it does happen on occasion) and being me and swearing too much and being the grumpy roaring bitch that is often who i am.

ok, so maybe i'll take a chance and start being candid here and see where that gets me since no one reads this anyway. and if i suddenly disappear it's because my ex found it and i had to relocate.

a