i'm not supposed to hold all this in anymore so here goes...
*note: this post may, more like 'will', be totally irrational, please disregard that because as a typical thoughtful, practical, and anal virgo, i am unlikely to act on any of it without sufficient encouragement. waiting patiently for the sufficient encouragement....
because i'm trying to purge and get over stuff i decided to try to keep track of all the not-helpful-to-me thoughts that i have about the object of my "fuck you" whatever-that-was-blog. and yesterday and today i tried but it got so out of control that i couldn't keep track of them anymore. shit! i do anything involving this boy and suddenly i become totally irrational and stupid, it's scary. i was sitting at work scowling at kids who kept wanting help and books checked out (of all the things to want in a library...) and were interrupting my thoughts about said boy, not cool.
i just sat there making up scenarios where we might run into one another, developing imaginary conversations to have with him in those imaginary scenarios, writing the letter i'd like to send him telling him how much of an asshole he is, writing his very apologetic and ass-kissing reply. i was thinking about showing up places i know he'll be and about sending him my "fuck you" whatever-it-was-blog....
it's as though i just want to ensure that he's hurting too, to have proof of that or something. i got a succinct but lovely comment on my blog (thanks again for that megan) saying that he's miserable too and i soooo want to believe that. but i have a feeling that he's just off being a 25 year old boy (26 in 3 days...), not worrying about me at all and thinking he's the bigger person because he's moved on and i'm still dwelling on this and can't be his 'friend'. i'm not fucking dwelling, i'm fucking injured you jerk....
fuck, this is a big fucking mess. stopping now.
a
posted by ago-go @ 5:05 p.m.
3 Comments:
Vent! Vent as much as you can and then vent some more. Just typing everything out is almost better than screaming or punching a wall and breaking your hand. No need to apologise for it!
On a different matter, library science programs in the US (at least mine) as well as around the world are probably universally painful and fairly stinky. I'm ready to chuck the whole thing, but too much $$$ has been invested to back out now!
that's what i'm trying to do. there just seems to be a never-ending supply of stuff to vent, and vent again, and again...i hate feeling like i'm repeating myself, but i guess there's no better place to do it. and i really need my hands in one peace.
...and i'm strangely relieved to hear that doing an MLIS is equally crappy no matter where you take it, i was starting to wonder if i had been totally shafted (which i still think have been).
i would LOVE to get involved with someone else and start dating again. problem with that is:
1) i am the girl who only seems to get attention from men when i am in a relationship, when it's of absolutely no use to me. otherwise, i never seem to get approached by anyone.
and...
2) i am super bad at fooling around/having sex with someone i'm not emotionally attached to...i've tried but i just can't do it.
so bring on the smart, attractive men who are also attracted to me and we've got a deal!
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