hopeless...

so my st. patrick's day 'fuck you' birthday message was kind of a combo joke/vent...maybe less of a joke than i actually want it to be because i'm still feeling burned. i was the one who said we couldn't talk anymore but what i really want is for him to call me, or run into me, or ask about me so i can tell him where to go. this is totally not going to happen but i think it would make me feel better. i still have questions i want to ask him. i want to know if everything he said to me was a bunch of lies, if he ever really had feelings for me, or if it was all bullshit. and if it was all bullshit, why did he bother? i'm considering sending him a letter or email just to try and close this for me. this is what i want to say...


Dear 'insert his name here',

I was hoping not to have to do this. I was hoping that not seeing you and not talking to you for a while would just stop all the questions for me, that I would just not give a shit. And while I don't feel stupid anymore, I just have more and more questions because I feel like I never actually got any real answers from you.

Do you really want to be my friend? I have to wonder because I think if you really wanted to be my friend, that's what you would have done in the first place. You would have acted like a friend and not like something else. It's kind of funny that you told me you didn't want to ruin our friendship by attempting something romantic, when at that point, the friendship had already been ruined by attempting something romantic. I guess what I really want is to know why. Why did you change things? Were you just pretending to like me as more than a friend? Because in retrospect, that's what it seems to me that you were doing.

I want to know why you want to be friends, what you want from me as a friend, and how you think it's possible to do that. I want to know why you bothered with the non-platonic stuff if you just wanted to be friends. I want to know what was the truth and what was a lie. I want to know why you couldn't be straight with me in the first place when I was totally honest and forthcoming with you and told you that I needed honesty back from you. I want to know how I can trust you again. And I don't want anymore of the "I messed up" and "I did things without thinking" answers that you gave me before. I don't think that's true, we don't just do things for no reason and I think you're way more self-aware than that.

I don't know if sending you a letter is the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm going to get the answers I need or want from you. But I figure it can't do any harm to ask since we're already not talking...I guess the worst that can happen is that we won't talk again.

'me'




am i fucking nuts to be thinking of sending this? to want answers? to think i'll get through and get the answers i want? i just think that until i know if he was lying the whole time, i'm going to think about it and it'll drive me crazy...and i don't know how else to get the answers i think i need.

a