this weather is killing me

killing me dead. and fast. no sunshine for 6 days straight combined with cold weather and snow that keeps falling and melting. where is the place on earth with the most hours of sunlight? and will someone please buy a plane ticket to get there.

no wonder i'm all sour grapes and confused and worried about getting hurt (actually, i'm too fucking tired today to worry about getting hurt) and can't sleep worth shit and i'm having bad dreams. i dreamt that my blogger girls sent me a birthday card with their real names on it...that's not a bad dream though. it was nice. but i also had dreams about getting dumped because i am too boring and my ex freaking out on me because i'm seeing someone else.

all i want to do is eat sugar & carbs and nap. and wake up and eat more sugar and carbs. unfortunately that is not an option due to work, other commitments, and fitting into my clothes. even the joy brought to me from my grade 8 boyfriend's stellar musical performance last night is not enough to keep me going because i've got at least 4 years to wait until he's legal and a big rockstar who can support me while i eat Flake bars, drink bellinis, and sit on my slowly expanding ass. i don't think i can wait 4 years.

i do think i know why i'm having the stupid dreams. i'm trying to maintain a relationship with my ex and he's been making it hard; still questioning my relationship with stupid boy when i really have no desire to talk to him about it. he doesn't know about ashton because he said he doesn't want to know if i'm seeing anyone...so i didn't tell him. well on wednesday night, ashton and i bumped into the drummer from my ex's band and another drummer guy they sometimes play with. i hadn't seen them since december so i stopped and chatted a bit. these drummer boys also happen to be good friends with stupid boy so i know that the fact that i was out with a guy will get back to either my ex, or stupid boy. or both of them...i'm guessing that's where the nightmares are coming from.

and i'm supposed to go out tonight and i don't even want to make-out! all i want to do is drink alcoholic beverages, eat too much crap food (nachos would be good. a whole plate all to myself...), and pass out in a heap until tuesday. i wonder if ashton will go for that...

he broke my heart...i'm not really sad about it anymore, just confused....

(Subtitled: oh fuck, here comes the serious shit again. and no, it wasn't ashton...at least not yet)

i think i've finally realized what's been wrong with me and why i was (or maybe, i still am) having so much trouble getting over the stupid boy. while it's been almost a month since i've even felt inclined to write about him, it turns out the problem was simple...thanks to non-vocab for commenting on my blog and making me give the quick version of what happened, which also happened to be the truth...

he broke my heart.

that has never happened to me before. ever. i've been sad about breakups but i've never had my heart broken which i guess is weird. i guess i'm lucky (or unlucky) to have lived 28 years before a boy broke my heart. that explains why it fucking hurt like hell for so long and why i was hanging on, and feeling sad about it, and wanting him to change his mind. that's why i've been so confused about why i've was hanging on, and feeling sad about it, and wanting him to change his mind, because i've never felt this before and i didn't know what to do and how to fix it...or if it was fixable at all.

what does it mean that someone had the power to break my heart? does it reveal anything about what we had? does it mean that there was something there or just that i got sucked in too deep? and the timing for realizing this is particularly inconvenient because i'm starting to really like someone else right now...and while i'm usually pleasantly distracted by ashton these days, i still have these stupid moments of wishful thinking about him. it's all very confusing and makes me totally paranoid that the same thing will happen with ashton.

this post, i've realized, is a freakin' rambling mess...i just don't want it to happen again. to have my heart broken again. i think that would be very very bad for me right now. is there any way to ensure it doesn't happen again? of course fucking not...

un-fucking-believable...

grade 8 boyfriend kicked talent show ass, he was great! this kid has fucking talent like crazy. if he's this good at 14, i can only imagine how amazing he'll be when he's older...blew me away!

it was totally worth enduring the off-key singing, bad dance routines, and screech-y 'when the saints go marching in' played on violin. i am now of the opinion that when learning the violin you should not perform in public until you've been playing for at least 10 years or can promise to avoid that horrible horse-hair on string violin noise.

just supporting my kids...

school talent show this evening...there are 30 acts and i'm frightened...everyone's performances better be under 3 minutes each or else i might be there all night!

my grade 8 boyfriend is playing 'Moby Dick' by Led Zeppelin on the drums so i figure i'd better not miss it.

to my dismay, the 21 year old midget is not performing, but i'm sure he'll do some stand-up comedy for me tomorrow if i ask nicely.

wish me luck!

i am guilty of library profiling...

the scariest girl in grade 2, maybe even the scariest kid in grade 2, took out a book on fire.

normally i don't care what people read but i can imagine this kid going totally pyro. i think she's insane. is it really mean to think a 7 year old is nuts? because i really think she is. she is the kind of kid i can envision with a mug shot in the the local paper's 'Most Wanted' section after stealing a car or bottle-ing someone at a bar.

people in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Ontario, North Dakota, and Minnesota, please heed this warning, make sure to keep batteries in your smoke detectors.

alas, i remain undefined...

the pd was freakin' dumb. i know that's not very descriptive but it was dumb, horrible, and life-force-sucking. sitting on my ass for 7 hours was so damn painful, emotionally and physically. i woke up at 8 in the morning and didn't even get to wear my thong or midriff shirt because it was 1 degree outside and it was fucking snowing! snowing.

there were about 100 women and 3, count em', 3 men at this thing....one was wearing the worst plaid pants i had ever seen, one looked petrified, and the other one was the presenter! and apparently, he chose 'secretary' as the term to use because he deemed it most inclusive. who the hell is he kidding? since when is 'secretary' an inclusive term?

to get through the day i drank about 7 cups of tea, 8 glasses of water, and i even succumbed to a coke (that's big for me!). needless to say that i had to use the washroom a lot. do you think there were enough washrooms for 100 women? of course not. so i used the men's room. all these 'secretaries' were shocked at my brazenness..."whisper, whisper...what if a man comes in? oh my!" hell, there were only 3 men there in the first place and i could certainly take the petrified guy and bad plaid pants man no problem. the presenter had a big of a gut on him so that would have taken a bit more effort. but what do they expect us to do when they feed us liquids for 7 hours straight? expect 100 women to wait for 4 bathroom stalls?

and after all that, the guy didn't even tell us who "the secretary i want to be" is! hello? that's why i fucking showed up you silly man! but from sitting in a room with 100 'secretaries' for 7 hours, i now have some ideas about the secretary i don't want to be.


the secretary i don't want to be

by ago

1) is named Pat, Anne, Susan, or Shirley

2) wears atrocious gold wedding rings soldered together

3) wears an equally ugly opal ring on her right hand

3) is dumpy and has bad taste in clothes

4) has bad hair (it's been a while since i've seen so many bad perms, mullet-ish dos, and frosted highlights)

5) is about 45 years old

all of those things=not me! thank god.

i think i may have a tapeworm.

i also think my nerves are buried super deep under my skin which causes me not feel anything.

7 hrs of totally useless pd has killed me. i am so tired i can barely read or type. will fill everyone in on the non-gory details tomorrow. night all.

conclusions i came to over the last couple of days:

i am the world's worst book repair-er ever. while quite an anal and meticulous person, i have absosmurfly no skill in this area. if you have any books you'd like repaired and that you'd like to look nothing like they did originally (crooked, lumpy, with piles of tape), i'm your girl!


the 'Secretary I want to be' will be a defining moment in my life, i'm sure of it.


there are better uses for the atlas of Manitoba than propping up a projector. things like looking up rural population density, or urban female immigrant income, or the relative value of pig sales. now all i have to do is try and convince the teachers at school....


prairie people love the AC/DC. not sure why, but we do.


the phrase 'value-added' means absolutely nothing.


i am a way better person when i am around people who make me chill out and laugh out loud. you guys make me chill out and laugh out loud every day with your indecision collisions, monchichi men, stories of 800 year old royal black men hitting on you, hot beef injections, hulk babies, bruce willis' grocery list, and the uncanny ability to guess my name in one try. i thank you guys for that, it's fucking good for me!

ashton makes me chill out and laugh out loud too. i think he is the most relaxed (without being lazy) person that i have ever met. so chill in fact that i'm starting to consider that he might be smoking drugs. oh please let him not be smoking drugs or i will have to start smoking drugs to get over him smoking drugs and then i will get drunk and hop on the next plane to Texas to meet up with Steph so we can have our lesbian wedding in Vermont (i hear Vermont is lovely this time of year). we will then honeymoon in the Poconos and go back to Texas to live with Steph and her harem in her cardboard box down by the river.

....oh, i'm so not ready for a cardboard box just yet...dear god, please let him not be smoking drugs...

my apologies to dead keesha...

turns out dead keesha is quite nice-looking, even if she was dying of AIDS on Y&R 8 years ago. turns out it wasn't Days after all but i know fuck-all about soaps...thank god. lately she seems to have taken to doing bad sci-fi shows.



so strange lady who accosted me at the mall, it's ok if you think i look like her, i'm not mad.

goth army nun

sometimes my logic just astounds me. i'm starting to think that thursdays might be my broken brain day.

i didn't want to wear sandals today. i don't really know why but i knew that much, no sandals. so instead i wear a black long-sleeved turtleneck and cardigan, olive skirt down to my f-ing ankles, and boots! boots people! it was at least 20 degrees outside today (which i think for my fahrenheit friends is around 68), why the hell was i wearing boots and a turtleneck?

so i looked like goth army nun or something...no, more like 'roasting from being stupidly overdressed goth army nun', all because i didn't want to wear sandals.

...hmmm, goth army nun, that might be a good halloween idea, particularly since i already have the fucking costume...

things that made me scowl today...

number 1:

i had a dream about stupid boy last night...it's been a while since i've dreamt of him or even thought about him for that matter. we were walking around downtown winnipeg and he was saying that he wanted to be my friend while grabbing my ass and trying to kiss me and stuff. and i freaked out and told him that friends don't generally do that kind of thing.

get out of my dreams asshole! thanks for bringing back all my feelings of confusion. fuck, and i was doing so well too, i could even handle hearing him on the radio again which was a huge step for me....how the hell do you purge someone from your mind? especially someone who does not deserve to be there...

number 2:

i have to go to this clerical PD day on monday and learn about the joys of assertive communication skills and attend a session entitled, brace yourselves...

"The 'Secretary' I want to be" (i seriously kid you not.)

hello? i'm not a secretary! it's bad enough i have to go to this thing and suffer through a whole day (not my usual half day of work) of truly meaningful sessions but today i got an email reminding us that the country club where the PD day is taking place has a 'no denim' dress code! fucking hell, you're renting the goddamn place for a day and we have to follow their dress code? are we in grade 5?....apparently so. so now i get to be bored out of my skull while not wearing my jeans! hmmmm, i wonder if bare midrifs and visible thongs are against the dress code too....


number 3:

i cleaned my desk and discovered a secret compartment where Ritz Bits and dust bunnies have been having a torrid love affair for a very long time....i'm all for the love affair but please, not in my desk...gross.


and one funny thing (thank god):

the crocodile holding the "E" in the "READ" sign above the picture book section fell off the wall today. so it didn't spell "READ" anymore, just "RAD"! i was very tempted to leave "RAD" up there cuz it was pretty funny but the shriner bear holding the "R" started to look really lonely...and hell, these kids probably don't even know what rad means...i'm sure it's passe (where is my damn accent aigu when i need it?).

night all...

lowered expectations...

sometimes i think i'm getting pickier about men as i get older, but i'm also realizing that there are some 'requirements' that might not be as important as i originally thought.

it wasn't like i ever said, "i'll never date anyone who's shorter than me (that's just dumb for tall girls to do because it really limits the dating pool) or doesn't make over 70 grand a year, but more of the, "oh, it would be nice if he has good hair, nice teeth, and a car". for a while the car was big on the list because the first 3 guys i ever dated didn't have cars so i was always the chauffeur. no, that's a lie, #3 had a car but he couldn't drive it. it was a hearse and it was parked in his parents' front yard, so it was probably best i was driving after all.

anywho, my requirements are generally no car-less boys, no over testosterone-saturated jocks, no boys who play video games too much, no one who says the Tragically Hip is their favourite band (it just won't work out)...

ashton doesn't have a car, and he's kind of a jock, and he's kind of a gamer...but right now i don't freakin' care! he's just fun and i like being with him.

is this settling or is it just being realistic? there's never going to be a perfect person, just someone 'good enough' who makes me feel good, thinks i'm beautiful, funny, and cool...i figure that's all i can really aim for.

shit, i don't know where the hell i'm going with this...nowhere probably. sounds like i'm on my way to another jake gyllenhaal/tobey mcguire type post coming up again soon...not a good sign...

this is for egan...

i have added these photos to show egan why i am in love.



and



seriously, how could you not be?

sigh...i'm starting to think i might just be a guy....

Sin City rocks! aka jessica alba, can i please have your baby? pretty please...

i mentioned Sin City in an earlier post and i thought i should express my love for it in its own post. don't worry, no spoilers...

go see it, it kicks ass! not only because the only woman i would ever desert men for was in it (jessica alba, my movie wife...i even suffered through 'Honey' just to catch a glimpse of her glistening, golden, undulating abs....sigh....kay, the puddle of drool is starting to form...), but because it was awesome.

6 reasons it was good

1) bruce willis didn't piss me off for once. seriously, he was good (although he did look totally confused as usual).

2) i did not even recognize mickey rourke, this may be a comeback role for the man.

3) jessica alba, all oiled up and dancing with a lasso. mmmmm, that's reason enough to see it! down girl...

4) visually fucking stunning, would never know it was done with green screen. total eye-candy.

5) totally hilarious film noir melodramatic voice-over narration.

"the darkness covered me like a blanket. the dark...so cold...cold like my soul...empty."

i just made that up but you know, crap like that. that bullshit cracks me up every time. i want to write film noir voice-overs!

6) it was over before i knew it...that's the sign of a good movie.


3 signs Sin City was written/directed/produced by men

1) boobs and boobs in slooooooooow motion. kay, i got it. james king has great tits...i don't need to see them anymore.

2) asses, lots of asses.

3) bruce willis. all men seem to want to be bruce willis, i'm not quite sure why.


4 complaints about it

1) carla gugino has no ass. not digging the ass-less women.

2) elijah wood and his annoying, googly-eyed hobbitness. yuck! go away, i don't like you.

3) britney murphy, simpering bitch. why do you exist?

4) oh and josh hartnett....what the fuck? yeah, i'm sure they thought of you first when casting the role, whatever. what role josh, what role? (if anyone sees the movie and actually gets why he's there, please tell me...)


and semi-unrelated aside. while watching the pre-movie commercials, pictures of beyonce, j-lo, nicole kidman, cameron diaz, and natalie portman came on the screen and the guy sitting behind me says, "yeah, i'd do em' all", as though these celebs are just sitting around, waiting to have sex with him or something. why do guys say shit like this? and this isn't some 22 year old boy, this a grown man, at least in his mid 30s! it's like yeah man, you might do em' all but none of em' would do you and that's what really counts. so this other commercial comes on with a really ugly old man and gross teenaged boy and i say really loudly to my friend, "yeah, i'd do em' all"...dumbass.

a double shot

it stormed here last night; rocking the house thunder and lightening...which was all good because we need the rain to wash away all the gross prairie winter grime, until i realized that i had left my sandals outside in the 25 degree sun to get the 'been in storage since september' stink out of them. note: wet stinky shoes smell much much worse than dry stinky shoes.

because of the rain, it's f-ing tropical here: thick, humid, lovely beach and margarita weather. not lovely 'go to work and sit in a sauna for several hours' weather. it was practically a jungle in the damn school. not even dressing appropriately helped...which presented the challenge of trying to simultaneously remain cool and unclothed, while still appearing decent and authoritative.

on the note of clothes, i wore this great red printed skirt today, so great in fact that 2 teachers complimented me with 5 minutes of being at work. hoever, i have now decided that it is a 'standing up only' skirt, no sitting is allowed while wearing it because after sitting in my car for 10 minutes, my ass is all wrinkled and said skirt looks much less fabulous all creased up. if only i could be transported everywhere i need to go standing up.

we might have a keeper here....

so alone date #2 with ashton went very well...lasted 10 hours in fact (movie, gelati, drinks, walk, people watching, some serious making out). he's a very good kisser btw.

i'm really really trying not to get ahead of myself here and get too wrapped up in whatever this thing may be, so that i don't get totally crushed again...i may need you guys to kick my ass on that!

but even if it's temporary, i think it will be fun in the meantime...

girl drink drunk...

actually, more like wine, wine, wine, hungover.

3 girls consumed 4 bottles of wine and other assorted cocktails last night. very fun, but also a very bad idea. had a great evening of good food, totally inappropriate conversation, and drinking. ended up passing out on my friend's couch and coming to around 5 am...finally made it home about 6:30 in the morning. my body only stopped being furious with me around 7pm tonight. ick...

happy ago...

i am totally giddy over my date last night...was trying not to get too excited (and therefore avoid the let-down that is bound to come...) but there is something so nice and sweet and genuine about ashton that is really comforting and causes me to want to make out with him. this boy is so damn nice! i love it! i think it also helped that i had absolutely no expectations so i am being pleasantly surprised.

a weird thing i found out about him yesterday.....

i'm older than his stepmom and the same age as his stepdad. fucking frightening!

next date? we're going out again on sunday.

work was quiet today, too quiet considering my inner date giddiness. i deliberately stayed away from shelf-list Young Adult Fiction H-M thinking that would be safer for everyone (me mostly). the only silly student thing that happened was the grade 5 spelling test that was going on on the library couches. one student was administering the test and reading the words in sentences to give context. i think my favourite was for the word 'meet'.

"I'll meet you at the crackhouse after school."

....sigh....that's sure unlike any spelling test i've ever had.


going to a girly dinner partee tonight so i'm looking forward to lots of food, too much wine (she makes her own), and plenty of chick gossip. c'est tout.

brainiac smooth move of the day...

i hadn't been at work more than 15 minutes and i already wanted to go home. i was filing shelf list cards and went to get some dust out of the box and stupidly turned the drawer over. there is no spindle holding the shelf list cards in the box so Young Adult Fiction H-L fell all over the floor. if we didn't have a fucking card catalogue we wouldn't need stupid shelf list cards and i wouldn't have been resorting them for 30 minutes. grrrr....

later on my grade 8 boyfriend stood at my desk and did a puzzle of the solar system that should have taken him 10 minutes max for about half an hour. i forced him to not use the directions. oh, young love. speaking of my harem, i think i have my grade 5 and 6 boyfriends lined up but we'll see if they're long term or not.

came home and decided to take a nap before my 'date'. woke up at 6, had to be out of the house by 6:30. not good.

the date was good, we walked to the desert place and consumed way too much sugar and had a really fun time. at the end of the night he stood by my car and asked me if i'd like to go out again and then he gave me a quick little kiss, he was very nervous and it was all very cute. cracks me up, this whole thing is so high school but since i had no dates in high school i'd might as well do this now. and next time he's getting a way better kiss...

questions and random garbage...

is it really bad to play my music in my car so loud that when i look in my rearview mirror everything looks distorted because the window is vibrating so much from all the bass?

whatever happened to grape-flavoured life savers? they are my favourite. why can i never find them other than in those christmas life savers gift boxes?

who invented pinwheel sandwiches? and who actually likes them? and why do i have to help plan a wedding shower with a girl who wants to serve pinwheel sandwiches to the guests? last i checked the bride to be was only 28, not 80. who the fuck wants a stupid jack & jill wedding shower anyway...grumble, grumble...

why does the word 'possibilities' always look way too long when i type it?

where is Coolio? why is he no longer rolling with the homies? i miss him.

why does oprah bother having guests on her show? because she never lets them talk. it's always, "that's a really interesting story convicted felon drunk driver tracey gold, it reminds me of this one time when i...."....and there it goes, back to her. that is when the guests aren't kissing her ass and she's not busy plugging her magazine and tv channel and empire at large.


some highlights of the last 2 days:

my modem died (actually, i think it was just unplugged) and i was without internet access for at least 18 hours! nearly killed me. that's why no comments from me last night and i'm catching up on my blog reading.

this is the slowest week ever, i've been thinking it's thursday everyday since monday. fucking end already!

britney spears is pregnant and i am severely grossed out. of all the people who should not be procreating, she and her filthy trailer trash husband are at the very top of the list.

i realized that if every workplace has to have a trampy dresser, i am it at my school. well, it might be a close match with the grade 8 teacher and her weird hooker boots, but i'm cuter. and this is especially hilarious considering that today i went to work looking like a stepford wife librarian: black circle skirt with white polka dots, white-t with puffy sleeves, and black cardigan, oh so not trashy.

i have an 'alone' date with ashton tomorrow. we're going to eat cake! wish me luck.

21 year old midget...

one of my 7 year old, grade 2 buddies told me today that he was 21 and 'legal'. when i looked at him skeptically, he said that he was in fact a 21 year old midget.

actually, i think he said 'little person'...not sure if that was political correctness on his part or a lack of knowledge of the word 'midget'.

this is the same kid who claimed he could read a Redwall novel (which is about 500 pages and grade 5 or 6 level) despite the fact that he's still working on his printing and reading Franklin the turtle books. when i asked him about the plot (i'm so mean...) he proceeded to interpret the cover in typical 7 year old fashion, "there's this rat and he gets stabbed by the bad guy and then they have a battle and then..."

i wish i could bring this kid to parties, he'd be a laugh a minute! well maybe i can, he is 21 after all.

kids man...you can't make this shit up.

not digging the critters...

now i'm all for being a preppie if that's what you want and i normally quite like jcrew but i'm so not digging the critters.

for the girls...


and for the boys...


yes, those are whales and martini glasses. hideous i say.

and i swear to god there was one pair of shorts in the catalogue that had crabs on them. who the fuck wants crabs all over their shorts? talk about a turn off...

once again, too much introspection...

i've been looking back at my blog postings over the last few months and have noticed a few things:

1) i swear. a lot.

2) i am a huge fucking suck when it comes to my boy problems.

3) i often appear like a really grumpy biatch.

4) i really like ellipses.

it's not that i'm apologizing for this since the whole point of a blog is that i can say whatever i want without worrying about looking evil...because who really cares, right? but it's kind of funny to me because i don't think it's really representative of who i am in real life.

so in response to the things i noticed about myself:

1) yes, i swear a lot on this blog but god help me, i work with kids all day and can't even mouth a 'fucking hell' without one of them noticing and telling on me! damn kids. and on my blog i'm usually talking about things that piss me the hell off...things that deserve a good f-word or 10!

2) yeah, i do look like a fucking suck, there's no way around that one. the ending of this non-relationship has been the hardest split i've ever (not) had, i'm not sure why. even breaking up with the first guy that i ever really dated/kissed/made out with (which was when i was 18 btw) wasn't this hard. i didn't want him to come back, i just wanted him to burn in hell. but this one, i don't know...it's like i think there's still something there that i can't give up on. and at 28 i never thought i'd get hurt so badly by someone i'd only known for a little while...still really trying to figure that out.

3) yes, i used to be a total nihilist but i don't think i'm grumpier than anyone else. i'm just not a big complainer to people so i think all the grumpiness gets out of me on the blog. plus the blog doesn't bitch back or tell me to calm down (i hate being told to calm down) and that i'm overreacting. because i'm not overreacting.

4) yes i do, i really like ellipses. and will continue to use them excessively. pbbbbblt!


so, some stuff about me that maybe hasn't come across in the blog....

i am the 'good influence' girlfriend. moms love me because i keep their good fer nothin', immature, disorganized, drug-smoking sons in line and on time. until i realize i am playing mom and finally bail. and then the moms friggin' miss me and want to trade in their sons to have me as their daughter.

i am sarcastic as hell and will make fun of everything, especially things with pretence and things that make no fucking sense, like 50 cent videos (where he models his new chinchilla jacket)...actually, i think this has come across pretty clearly.

i am very quiet and guarded until i get to know you and decide that you are trustworthy. ultimately i tend to decide that very few people are actually trustworthy.

i am a super loyal friend and will do almost anything for people i care about...but if you fuck me over, we're done.

i am a typical virgo. textbook. seriously.

did i mention that i really like ellipses?

i should have been in my 20s in the 1970s. i would've been a great disco-er.

my first impressions of people are usually bang-on.


....and that's about the size, at least for now.

he had to go and be 25 though...

so i had my lovely group date with ashton last night. it was quite fun and i managed to not act like an unhappy wench the whole time which was good. i did surprisingly well at bowling (for me that is) and i beat the super-competitive odd fiance which was also good. guys who are too competitive piss me off.

after bowling we went for drinks and the 4 of us ended up talking about our top 10 most hated things. it was quite an interesting conversation, some hated things included were acrylic, the long-range weather forecast, and 'the tragically hip'.

here are my top 10 current hate-ons:

1. alcohol with milk...like baileys or bad blow job shooters with whipped cream. just gross, makes my stomach churn with the curdling action. would much rather have a prairie fire and burn my oesophagus.




2. people who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. again, just gross.




3. midget animals, particularly midget horses. a horse just should never be the size of a large dog. and have you seen those new seeing-eye horses? very helpful i'm sure, but creepy.




4. sheep dressed as humans dancing with long pointy fingers reaching out to grab me. i can't get that cover out of my head...




5. chinchillas. i am generally not of the 'we should kill animals to make fur coats' ilk but i think that's what should happen to all chinchillas; they are evil and should be made into coats for 50 cent to wear in his videos. i apologize to any chinchilla lovers out there, it's not like i'm going to come and kill your pet, but if it touches me, mama may just have a brand new fur stole and you won't have charlie chinchilla roaming around your house anymore. (ferrets are a close second).




6. men with belly rings, but you know all about that.




7. people who walk slowwwwwly. particularly couples who walk slowly while holding hands and wearing matching jackets.




8. javex. it wrecks your hands and your clothes. and if it gets in your eyes you could go blind! there's an aftershool special story about that one...one day i'll share.




9. visible thong. a little bit when you bend over is tolerable but there's no reason i should see 1 foot of thong when you climb up stairs or sit down at a table. and it's almost exclusively on girls that i have no interest in seeing their butt cracks.




10. that my new 'fixed' haircut appears to make me look like joan jett....curly-haired girls should never look like joan jett.

anyone else got any good hate-ons?

but yeah, it was nice and ashton was very fun said he'd call me today...so we'll see.

calm down chica! the grumpy day continues.

after my last post this morning i found out i got shafted for another job. my friend in edmonton got a call, i did not. i suck.

then i nearly tore open a huge box of fudgesicles and threw them around the room because i couldn't figure out where the damn box was supposed to open! apparently chocolate was the only thing that was going to make me feel better. it didn't really, the fudgesicle tasted like shit, like they had put soy filler crap in it instead of sugar. let down.

i get to school and some kid has left a half-finished butterscotch pudding, tipped over and spilling onto the computer desk in the library. if i had my way as library nazi, there would be no eating there at all but at the very least, don't leave pudding dripping around computers for fuck's sake! grrrrr......

then at work i'm cleaning up the picture books section and find the most disturbing cover of a children's book that i have seen in a very long time. look! aren't you scared? i know i am. there will be dancing sheep-based nightmares this weekend guaranteed.



and then i come home from work and i see the worst comb-over ever at the drugstore...like up in the front and then folded over or something. plus he has snakeskin cowboy boots. i nearly puked. am i wrong for wanting to douse water on the man and attack him with a comb and scissors? it can't be wrong when it feels so right.

damn it! i've got to snap out of this before bowling tonight. i think i need a nap.

bitchy friday

a word to those thinking that getting a masters degree will help them become employed, productive members of society. it won't. at least it hasn't helped me in the least. all it has done is forced me to go back home and live with my parents and sleep in my pink and purple bedroom that i had when i was a kid. and get a part-time job that only requires high school education and pays shit.

thank you $10,000 masters degree that forced me to move to the most redneck city in canada, tortured me for 2 years with academic bullshit, and helped to break-up my 5 year relationship. thanks.

this one's for steph, so she doesn't kick my ass...

so j-ashton called last night at exactly 8:30, just under the wire...lucky for him. (thanks steph, i think your suggested threat to have me call him worked)...so we're going bowling (which seems like an appropriate activity considering the whole 90210 nature of this whole situation) on friday with matchmaker girl and her odd fiance. and now i know his last name (only thanks to caller id) but not how old he is. that's all i've got kids.

is it just me

or does brittany on America's Next Top Model look like she should be doing porn instead of 'modeling"? i think it's the lips...

totally un-funny 'motivational' quote that is currently on the sign outside the church near my house:

"Don't give up. Even Moses was a basketcase once."

uh, yeah...sure. not really making me feel any better. if i were moses, i'd be offended that they couldn't come up with a better pun. hell, i don't think that even qualifies as a pun. i'm not moses and i'm offended.

this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s...

holy fuck am i in a bad mood! i fucking swear that men are missing something in their brain that makes them normal. because they aren't. at all.

on sunday my ex-bf came out with me to a juno event; my friend 's' got the stomach flu and called me 15 minutes before i had to leave and i didn't want to waste the ticket so i called the ex.

mistake #1.

he was being flirty and touching me and flopping his head on my shoulder all afternoon...if not for the annoyance on my face, you would've thought we were still dating! i'm sure my friend 'l' thought something was up. anyway, that pissed me off but he wanted to do coffee tonight. i didn't really want to but i couldn't think of a good excuse to get out of it. so i met him tonight.

mistake #2.

first he shows up 15 minutes late, not a good start. and then he mentions that evil nemesis boy was at the fan-fare thing i worked on saturday. he fucking had to bring him up. i'm like, "yeah, i know...i saw him". and then he asks if i'm talking to him again and i tell him no. and he asks again what happened with evil boy and i tell him again that it's not a big deal and is not his problem. but he won't accept that as an answer and keeps harping on it. and then he's all, "what's wrong" and "you're acting weird", crap like that. hello? we talked for 5 hours on sunday...i have nothing else new to tell you! and you don't want to hear about boys so that eliminates that topic. whatever. but he kept prodding and basically we fought for an hour at the coffee shop.

and then i came home and realized that none of the tv shows i taped ended up getting recorded because i forgot to spring the damn clock fucking forward! so now i'm stuck watching some crap called 'intervention' that is not uplifting at all. over the fucking edge i tell you.

well, evil nemesis boy didn't email or call me yesterday...

and i'm simultaneously relieved and disappointed. relieved because i really don't want to be his friend and would rather not engage in stilted conversation with him ever again and disappointed because obviously seeing me on saturday didn't remind him how great i am and somehow jolt him into loving me. dumbass. you see why i can't see or talk to this guy? look what happens to me when i do!

so my blogging distraction isn't really working although i'm still laughing at my last post, that was classic. i need a real live distraction, like a date or something. i haven't been on a date in over 5 years. the last one i went on was in 2000 and it turned in a relationship that just ended this past december. and my 'whatever' that followed it went oh so well, didn't it? so yeah, i have no clue what i'm doing with guys anymore. some girlfriends of mine were telling me that the new thing for guys to do is to ask girls out later in the evening, like 9 or 10pm, so they don't have to buy you dinner, maybe just a drink or 2. this sounds horribly cheap-ass to me and i don't think i'm expecting too much to think that if guy asks me out he can darn well buy me dinner! i'd do the same if i asked him out.

so anywho, i decided to let 'l' give j-ashton my phone number. i figure, what do i have to lose? i'm not totally blown away by him or anything but he seems nice enough and i think a date might help take my mind off things. my friend 's' thinks that i should be able to get a dinner out of him since he was wearing a $150 shirt when we first met him. maybe....or he could just be able to afford $150 shirts because he's a cheap-ass bastard who only takes girls out after 10pm in order to avoid buying them dinner.

...oh, and he has exactly until wednesday night to call me (i figure that's fair since phone number approval was granted on friday) and then i'm making plans for friday and saturday night! fuck that waiting around/guys making last minute plans shit.

this is me trying to distract myself and doing a very bad job....

if tobey mcguire were attractive




he would be...



jake gyllenhaal.

but because jake gyllenhaal already exists, tobey mcguire can't be him. therefore, tobey mcguire is not attractive. got it? good.

fucking hell you guys....i'm really trying here.

the end.

it appears as though i still fucking hate you...

i hate you for distracting me from things i really need to be doing for myself like finding a better job and moving the hell out.

i hate you (still) for not wanting to take a risk with me because i am so worth it.

i hate you for making me so mad that i say the word 'fuck' more times in one journal post than a girl should ever have to and that now i don't feel like writing about anything else except you.

but most of all i hate you for being at that damn Juno event so that i would have to see you & talk to you, and now i have to worry that you're going to email me or call me because you think that things are back to 'normal' just because i am a polite person who was brought up with good manners and taught not to express my utter distaste with people to their faces in public.

re-fucking-lapse...

i am so in danger of a relapse right now...

i just got home from my Juno volunteering and guess who i saw there? him. the fucker. after 2 months. and i'd been having nightmares about him being there because i knew his radio station was working the event but i had not seriously considered that i might actually run into him until today at 11:15 when i fucking walked right past him while holding a sign. a giant fucking green sign, so it's not like i could be invisible and hide! fuck fuck fuck him. no, not fuck him because i never did fuck him. i almost wish now that i had and the sex had been terrible so i could say, "piss off you useless fucker!" but alas, no.

so i stood there holding my sign with him in plain sight for an hour. painful as hell. finally i was done my lame-ass sign-holding duties and i walked right past him and started talking to this girl i knew, i was not going to initiate anything with him. eventually he comes over and does the "hi, how are you?" crap and unfortunately because i'm with someone else i have to play nice and i can't say what i really want which is, "i'm fine. how are you you fucking asshole? i hope your life is shit and you're missing me every hour of the day!". so we had a nice and pleasant fake-ass conversation. the one good thing i did was when he said, "it's really good to see you again" i said nothing...i just kept drinking my water, thank god for that water...i seriously felt like throwing it in his face!

and then sick and twisted me went and sat in the bleachers pretending to watch the rest of the show but really just watching him. i finally had to make myself leave. fucking sick i tell you.

and i just looked at his website, which i really shouldn't have done because there are new photos up there and he looks fucking cute as hell. i am so stupid sometimes...oh, the fucking downward spiral is on the way....i need to get away from the computer...

i guess my spidey-senses aren't workin' too good...

j-ashton asked my friend for my number which totally cracks me up because i thought he wasn't interested in me at all....obviously i know nothing.