oh, and if i was a burlesque dancer as opposed to a librarian...

my theme song would be "i prefer you" by Etta James.

et vous?

i worry too much (meaning, all is well with the boy...at least for now)

so i had a 7 hour date with ashton today and it was good. he didn't offend me and i wasn't tempted to push him off the balcony to his death and run into the street gnashing my teeth, tearing at my clothes, and crying to anyone who will listen that i suck and will never find love and be alone forever even once! that's a good sign, right? oh, except for that one moment before the movie started and he said something about paris-fucking-hilton but 'la-la-la in the kitchen on the floor', i pretended not to hear him.

i think kat was right and it was just a bad day. maybe he's the kind of person who can go weeks without annoying me at all and then 2 months worth of stupid shit comes out in one day, we'll see.

i think i'm just having an 'imagine the worst' meltdown...

the boy is doing nothing but disappointing me. and he's not really doing anything! maybe my expectations are too high. maybe i'm just fucking ornery.

the truth is, i really really like him and want him to stick around even if he doesn't like Wham!. goddamn 3 month trial period! 4 weeks left, and counting...

oh no he di-in't...

• say to me while riding in my car listening to Wham! (and before that, The Police and before that, an excellent funk mix that i had made), "don't you have any good music to listen to?" and then, when i gave him the gaping-mouthed 'you didn't actually fucking say that you asshole' look, "no, i just meant good music that i might actually like...". fuck the hell off.

• choose Paris Hilton as his #1 pick for celebrities to fuck. i don't want to be one of those girls who gets all insecure if her boyfriend picks a celeb to love who doesn't look exactly like her but of all people, Paris-fucking-Hilton? might as well pick Pam-i'm a drag queen-Anderson! i'm tall, dark-haired, brown-eyed, swarthy, and thick! at my thinnest, i weight at least as much as 2 Paris-fucking-Hiltons! why can't he covet Michael Michele or Emmy Rossum or Angie Harmon or Jessica Alba or some other hot, dark-haired chick with a little meat on her bones. or, at the very least, someone doesn't look like a starving crack-whore prostitute lacking all sense of decency and taste. why i ask?

• suggest i wasn't being a good friend when i complained about having to plan/set-up/attend my friend's jack & jill wedding shower. hi, i'm allowed to complain. i doesn't mean that i don't love her and aren't going to help, showers just suck ass that's all and he should understand that.

tell me to bite my lip.

• say that someday he wanted to move to Toronto because....wait for this kids....they are home to the Maple Leafs! he wants to move to big, dirty Winnipeg for no reason other than goddamn hockey.

...oh yes he fucking did. i knew it was too good to be true.

leave the dads alone...elaborating on "life isn't fucking fair. it's fucking bullshit as a matter of fact."

it's been a hard few weeks since my dad died but i've been hanging in there and doing ok; writing about it a bit and asking for hugs when i needed them.

i go into work on Tuesday and find out the the secretary at school's father died over the weekend. that hits me pretty good, but he had been really sick for a while and it wasn't totally unexpected. not that that makes it any easier, but it just wasn't a big shock. but then yesterday i read about a blogger friend who is also having a terrible situation with her father. that made me so sad that i cried while reading her post. i'm crying just thinking about it right now.

once i stopped crying, it just gave me the fucking rage! ok, that is enough dads for now, leave our fathers the fuck alone! it's bad enough that my dad died 3 weeks ago but having to watch other people i care about lose their fathers right now is a bit much. and it's extra hard because i can't be there in person for my blogger friend. i so much want to give her the biggest hug ever, but i can't, and that hurts really fucking bad.

ok, i'll play...maybe it'll help my mood

noni tagged me so here goes...

1. Total volume of music files on my computer: they're scattered a few places but there are about 750. shit, that's a lot.

2. The Last CD I bought was: Joss Stone's Mind Body and Soul. it was for me.

3. Song Playing Right Now (i just got out of my car and went straight to the computer so i'm counting the song last playing in my car) : Just a Touch of Love by Slave. i tell you kids, i should have been a disco-er.

4. Five songs I listen to a lot (in no particular order): i listen to stuff on repeat a lot. probably annoys the hell out of my mom. here are some recent faves.

Doin all the Doin by Ivana Santilli. song is about being in a one-sided relationship. very laid back and for some reason i like the key change. her album does not do her justice, fucking kicks ass in a live show.

Automatic by the Pointer Sisters. dunno why, just like it. especially in the car. nostalgic maybe.

I Play Chicken with the Train by Cowboy Troy. my arm wrastlin' uncle shared this gem with me during the funeral week and made me burn it to cd so he could play it for absolutely everyone who came in the house. oh so wrong and yet so fucking catchy catchy catchy...

Bad Girls by Donna Summer. maybe my favourite disco song evah. for sure top 10! ah, toot toot, yah, beep beep.....

Move on Up by Curtis Mayfield. a talented man that Curtis. and not singing about bitches and hos in different area codes...not that there's not a time and a place for that, but Curtis was soulful and deep. and wrote many a damn fine song. taken from us much too early

and since noni tagged me, i'll copy her by adding some other honourable mention faves: Light Years by Jamiroquai, Get Down on It by Kool and the Gang, Early in the Morning by the Gap Band, C'est la Vie by Robbie Nevil, and Right for Me by Justin Timberlake.

oh, and i tag katarina, jen, and os.

life isn't fucking fair. it's fucking bullshit as a matter of fact.

good intentions, things i'm hating right now, and asparagus pee

i went in early to work today. my first day back to work last week one of the TAs came and gave me a big hug and asked me if i wanted to go for a walk with her at lunchtime. i figured i could use the exercise and it would make me feel better, and it did. we walked for about 45 minutes and it was great. i didn't even get my mid-afternoon crash where i feel like curling up on the floor and napping.

problem was, after the lovely walk i was all sticky and felt slightly dirty. i don't want kids to start calling me the smelly librarian or something....and i had a stupid blister on the bottom of my foot! since i had no bandaids in the library, i made a make-shift one out of a piece of kleenex and some book-repair tape. not so cute but functional. tomorrow i will be bringing running shoes and a change of shirt.


the things that are irking me...

• when there is no hook for your purse on the back of a public washroom stall. i especially hate it because chances are if there's no hook on the door, the bathroom is in a place you absolutely do NOT want to put your purse on the floor.




• when cars don't have a knob to adjust the side mirror on the passenger's side. how hard is it to put in that little lever? i could even handle not having a knob on the driver's side because if i was really desperate to move the mirror when i was driving i could roll down the window but there's no way in hell i can roll down the passenger window, reach over, and fix that stupid mirror! cheap bastards.




• blogger spellcheck and its anti-canadian/british spelling. i shouldn't have to add a word every time i spell something with 'ou' instead of 'o'. also, why doesn't blogger spellcheck include swearing? do they expect all of their journal-ers to be happy all the fucking time?




• when buffets have the salad dressing already on the salad. everyone has to walk over to the table to get their own salad, would it be so hard for them to put the dressing on themselves too? not everyone likes lettuce drowned in raspberry vanilla vinaigrette or whatever the gross trendy salad dressing of choice is these days.




• asparagus. for a moment today i thought something was horribly wrong with me. as in, serious infection horribly wrong. then i remembered i had eaten asparagus for lunch. fucking asparagus.

sad and morbid stuff that has to be said...

i keep thinking that it was better for me to be around when it happened. my dad's heart attack, that it. i did everything right: i came when i heard him fall, i called 911 right away, he got to the hospital really fast...there was nothing else i could have done and he still died. i keep thinking, "at least i didn't come home and find him dead" (like the rumours that some people made up)...when i think about what would have happened had i not been home i get very sad. i imagine that it would have been so scary to be lying there, unable to move, with no one to help you. but that's really no consolation, he's still gone.

i really never thought that he wouldn't make it. he was very weak but he kept giving me the thumbs up and winking at me as though telling me everything would be all right. even from the emergency room he kept telling me not to tell my mom that he was in the hospital (i had already called her from the house) because it would ruin her vacation. fucking dad is lying on a stretcher with tubes and shit poking out of him every which way and his heart giving out and he doesn't want to ruin mom's vacation!

everything i see reminds me of that thursday. ambulance sirens sound different, firemen and paramedics taking a 7-11 coffee break make me anxious, everything on tv seems to have to do with heart attacks. viv on 'Without a Trace' had heart surgery on thursday night. on saturday night i i watched 'Garden State' with a girlfriend not knowing that it is about a guy who goes home for his mother's funeral. it's not as though all these things weren't around before, i'm sure they were, i just never noticed them so much because there was no worry about heart attacks and my dad was still alive.

i'm worried that how i deal with dad's death will affect my relationships: with friends, my mom, and particularly with boyfriends. i seem to have some fucking luck where some major crisis occurs shortly after i begin seeing someone i really like. a couple months after my last big relationship started in 2000, i fell into a pretty major depression that affected the whole 4 years and 9 months we were together. he was a real help to me during the depression, but in a lot of ways it ruined the romantic aspect of our relationship. and now, maybe 6 weeks after i start seeing ashton, my father dies...and i'm starting to fear that i'm going to do something that scares him away; because the girl he is getting now is not me, it's the really sad version of me just trying to get by.

i so want to do things right this time. i want to be able to have a relationship without having tragedy and serious shit interrupt it and fuck it up! i just want to find a job, get an apartment, find someone who i love and who loves me back and be happy. that shouldn't be too much to ask.

the purple lady

this is a post i was going to write before whole dad thing...but the story is still funny so i figured i'd share it.

at the lame library conference i was at a few weeks ago there was this lady who had a kiosk and was trying to hock this book she had written. it was a book of photos of flowers of Manitoba accompanied by poems. she was a nice lady but totally loopy: all dressed in purple with a monstrous purple bow and gold string in her hair and humongous tinted glasses that came halfway down her cheeks. she also muttered to herself a lot.

my friend S, the vendor, had been accosted by the purple lady earlier in the day and suggested i go meet her. just from the looks of things i was game. we walked up to her kiosk and she proceeded to hug me at least 3 times and told me that i didn't hug hard enough (which was a total lie btw, i totally hug hard enough!)

anywho, she kept touching me and S and guilted him into buying a copy of her book. then she ran to her purse, dug out this crocus pin and pinned it on his lapel while reciting a poem. it was quite a long poem. i told S later that that meant they were going steady! she then started talking about how she could feel my energy or aura or something...i think that was good but i'm not sure. she also explained how when people don't like hugs she'll just 'vibe' them. apparently putting both of your hands on someone's shoulders and holding them there is 'vibe-ing' them. who knew? she also told us that her friend who had done the photos for her book was an owl...and a wolf! not sure what that meant either.

fucking hilarious it was! i tried to get other people to go see the purple lady but they were too scared. big chickens!

elaborating on 'blah'.....

despite the assistance of sleeping pills, i still can't sleep through the night which means i'm totally lethargic and useless at work. battling a headache because the sun is in hiding...again. feel-good boy energy is only temporary because i can't fold him up, put him in my pocket, and carry around his calming nature everywhere i go, nor do i want to be dependent on him to feel good.

and i really miss my dad today.

blah...that's all i have to say. and it's a struggle to say that much.

more points for ashton

this past week was the first occasion ashton had to meet my family. not the best of times but it had to be done.

my mom's brother, his wife, their son, his wife and their 2 kids (9 and 12) were staying with us for most of the week and ashton calls to invite me out to watch a soccer game. as i'm getting ready my annoying uncle keeps feeding my little cousin questions about ashton, "where does he work? how old is he? do you like him?". i finally tell him if he'll shut up maybe i'll bring ashton over to meet them.

apparently in the hour and a half that i was at the soccer game, someone put crack in my uncle's drink.

we walk in the door after the game and my uncle is talking in this stupid fake low voice and i'm thinking, "what the fuck is wrong with him?". ashton and i go downstairs and i introduce him to the fam and my uncle suddenly says that there is a tradition of arm wrestling new people when they meet the family. yeah, ha ha! not funny at all but whatever...moving on, right? but then uncle fucking clears off the coffee table and gets ready to arm wrestle! at this point i am curled up in a ball holding my hands over my face. uncle doesn't move from his arm wrestling stance. so poor ashton goes over there and starts to arm wrestle my 64 year old uncle! by now the rest of my family is astounded and laughing nervously and covering their faces. i am about to die.

when the wrestling spectacle finally ends uncle then proceeds to start telling weird embarrassing stories about my cousin...something involving donald duck i think. needless to say, that was my cue to get the hell out of there! the visit lasted maybe all of 10 minutes.

that could have been ashton's out. if i were him, i might have taken it...but he didn't. seriously, was it really necessary to make my family look certifiably insane at first meeting? my god.

death etiquette

(note: this is all my opinion, but these are all things that would have made the last week and a half a hell of a lot easier)

• don't ask the person who witnessed the heart attack/stroke/subsequent death/whatever, to give you a play by play of the event. you cannot imagine how many people wanted all the gory details and didn't consider how i felt having to tell the same story over and over. if i want to tell you what happened, i will.

• but also don't make up stories just so you have an answer or a picture of what happened. at the service there was some stupid rumour circulating that my dad had fallen down the stairs and i came home and found him dead. not true. fucking gossips.

• don't start calling at 7:30 am when you find out about the death. consider that the person might have had a rough evening at the hospital and is not ready to field phone calls.

• don't read sympathy cards and letters over anyone's shoulder. these cards and letters are not intended for you and if the bereft want you to read them, they will say "you should read this lovely letter".

• don't tell me that cousin x or aunty y is sooo distraught about the death...that doesn't make me feel better and honestly, i really don't give a shit how anyone else is feeling right now.

• don't judge my response to the death. i cried for 4 hours straight at the hospital while i watched my dad die. by the service on the following thursday i was all cried out. that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or that i didn't love my dad.

• don't question how the family chooses to deal with the death. we got flack because the obituary was too short, because there was no photo in the obit, because my dad's age was not published, etc. don't people consider that maybe this is what my dad wanted? and even if it wasn't, who are you to judge?

thursdays are now my nemesis

well, things are a bit calmer over here. i'm not really sure where to start or what to write...

the service for my dad was on thursday, the church was packed, couldn't fit everyone inside. my cousin counted 370 names in the guestbook and i'm guessing not everyone signed it.

i'm doing ok. had a few really bad days because of too many people in my house and too much nattering. when i'm stressed out, the last thing i need is people talking at me constantly about bullshit like food and the weather. there was one occasion at dinner where i was very tempted to throw my dishes, stab someone with a fork, and just tell everyone to shut the hell up! i somehow managed not to do this and went over to ashton's and cried and sat on the couch with him in silence for a few hours. it's so weird, but it's almost impossible for me to be anxious around him. through this whole mess ashton has been amazing. cabbed it over to my place at 11pm after i got back from the hospital, stayed with me all night while i tossed and turned, took the day off on friday, and just sat with me when i needed peace and quiet.

not sure what else to say. my return to regular blogging may be slow, bear with me kids.

thank you guys very much

thanks to everyone (those who know me through my blog and those who just stopped by) for your hugs, and thoughts, and emails. i never thought it possible that i would have friends that i have never met in person but with you guys i obviously do. even though you are far away, please know that your condolences and thoughts make me feel very loved. i hope some day that i'll get to thank some of you in person.

love,

ago

please do not think i am ignoring you guys but i may not be blogging for a while. my dad just died of a heart attack last night, no warning at all. my mom was in italy on vacation. i still think i'm dreaming. if you believe in prayer, please pray for me and my mom, it's going to be a rough haul.

i want a new piercing

all steph's talk about tattoos and piercings has made me want another. i never thought i would but i do.

currently my ears look like pretty much like this:



one lobe hole and one daith in each ear.

there will be no bellybuttons or eyebrows or noses...i want another ear one.

these are 2 ear options in the running.






i think i like #1 better because it's prettier and less predictable but it might crowd the daith.

thoughts? other ear options?

sigh, i really want my purple streaks back too....

best quote from the 2005 Manitoba Library Association conference

the man who delivered the session on 'voluntary simplicity' called Nicole Ritchie "Paris Hilton's funny little friend". how perfect is that? that is what i shall be calling her from now on...you all should too!

the shitty thing about dating someone new

is that you don't know how much you can harass them with phone calls and emails before they start to think you are nuts.

i have a salesman friend in 'on business' from out of town and he wants to take me and some friends out for dinner to a super nice place i could never afford in real life. fucking-A! i'd like to bring ashton but he is unlocate-able at the moment. i left a message with his roommate a few hours ago but have yet to receive a reply. dinner will be in about 1 hour and i'm wondering if i should try him again or just screw it.

with my ex i would just call his home phone, cell phone, and email him at all 8 email addresses until i found him and it didn't seem weird or stalkerish. but this, i'm not sure. argh!!!

make the axis fold!

what did i do on saturday night? unwrapped my Wonder Woman dvd box set (that had been sitting on my shelf since christmas) and watched disk 1.

i learned things.

these are the things i learned from the pilot and episode 1.

1. perfectly happy amazons will leave their grecian nightgown paradise simply because they want cock. this storyline was obviously created by a heterosexual man.




2. if i ever get married, i will wear a grecian nightgown. apparently because i want cock.




3. there is a direct phone line from the US war department to the nazis. go figure. i didn't think it was a good ideas to call the nazis from your work phone.




4. top secret order files are filed in the regular unlocked file cabinet under 't' for 'top secret'. however, it is surprising when they go missing.




5. steve trevor is somehow a member of both the airforce and the army and has a navy secretary. how does that work?




6. girls should not date any man who does not recognize you when you pull back your hair and wear large glasses. any man worth being with will notice that it is you and not suddenly think that you are ugly. dumbass boys.




7. hugh jackman should play steve trevor in the Wonderwoman movie don't cha think?

my new career plan

since i cannot find a job i am going to make t-shirts with nonsensical slogans.

i will make a fortune. i will move out of my parents' house. i will be happy.


my first 3 shirts will be: