death etiquette
(note: this is all my opinion, but these are all things that would have made the last week and a half a hell of a lot easier)
- don't ask the person who witnessed the heart attack/stroke/subsequent death/whatever, to give you a play by play of the event. you cannot imagine how many people wanted all the gory details and didn't consider how i felt having to tell the same story over and over. if i want to tell you what happened, i will.
- but also don't make up stories just so you have an answer or a picture of what happened. at the service there was some stupid rumour circulating that my dad had fallen down the stairs and i came home and found him dead. not true. fucking gossips.
- don't start calling at 7:30 am when you find out about the death. consider that the person might have had a rough evening at the hospital and is not ready to field phone calls.
- don't read sympathy cards and letters over anyone's shoulder. these cards and letters are not intended for you and if the bereft want you to read them, they will say "you should read this lovely letter".
- don't tell me that cousin x or aunty y is sooo distraught about the death...that doesn't make me feel better and honestly, i really don't give a shit how anyone else is feeling right now.
- don't judge my response to the death. i cried for 4 hours straight at the hospital while i watched my dad die. by the service on the following thursday i was all cried out. that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or that i didn't love my dad.
- don't question how the family chooses to deal with the death. we got flack because the obituary was too short, because there was no photo in the obit, because my dad's age was not published, etc. don't people consider that maybe this is what my dad wanted? and even if it wasn't, who are you to judge?
posted by ago-go @ 11:25 p.m.
11 Comments:
Nothing like a funeral to bring out the worst in people!
When my grandfather died suddenly, I was working in a different town. My parents and my grandmother were with him in the hospital, and all I got was a phone call from my dad telling me that he had died. To this day, I don't think that any of the grandchildren know the details of the evening, and quite frankly, I don't want to know them.
As for the rest of your etiquette list--it's sad that you even had to make one.
Hope your mom comes to terms with everything soon. Be strong for her.
Let this post of yours be a message to those future mourners. I think you nailed almost every point that I remember bothering me.
I guess what really got to me was people telling me how to grieve. Fuck people, we are all different and heal in different ways.
im so glad you are back!!!
just thought you should know.
sorry about the assholes.
may I add to these, Ago? My first real experience with human ugliness happened during the death and funeral week of my grandmother.
add away dena, add away...the things people say and do will never fail to astound me.
i should say though that overall most people were very sincere in their efforts to be helpful and sympathetic, but it didn't always come across that way.
Ago, we had a week-long official period of visitation after my grandmother died. Even after she was buried, there was still a week of visitation. All day long the house would be filled. I was pretty wrecked, wandering around kinda dazed. Well, at one point I came out of the kitchen and into the living room where the priest who had buried my nana and a bunch of friends and family members were sitting. My great aunt (grandma's sister, the one who sharted at the burial) took that opportunity to snap me out of my daze by reminding me in front of all those people how I had major camel toe from my white yoga pants.
I wanted to rip her arteries out with my teeth and tie them around her sagging tits.
P.S. - how did you change your name from Ago to ago-go?
gawd...because that's what's really important is your camel toe and not honouring your grandma or anything. what a bitch! and people who shit their pants should never comment on someone else's fashion faux-pas...
speaking of fucking inappropriate fuckers, i had a guy at my dad's memorial service ask if he could have some photos of my dad when he was in the marines and playing baseball. this asshole even offered me money for the pics! ok, dad just died and you want me to sell you his personal items? uh, no.
oh, and to become ago-go, i just went into my profile and changed my "display name" under "identity".
I realize how strange it must sound that I was even wearing white yoga pants during this time.
If anyone wants an explanation, I'll provide. If not, I'll just keep quiet.
noni, actually i never even thought twice about the yoga pants...i wear comfy stuff like that around the house all the time. although the fact that you own white pants leaves me incredulous. i can never keep anything white clean for more than an hour or so!
but if you'd like to explain, i'm game!
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