sad and morbid stuff that has to be said...
i keep thinking that it was better for me to be around when it happened. my dad's heart attack, that it. i did everything right: i came when i heard him fall, i called 911 right away, he got to the hospital really fast...there was nothing else i could have done and he still died. i keep thinking, "at least i didn't come home and find him dead" (like the rumours that some people made up)...when i think about what would have happened had i not been home i get very sad. i imagine that it would have been so scary to be lying there, unable to move, with no one to help you. but that's really no consolation, he's still gone.
i really never thought that he wouldn't make it. he was very weak but he kept giving me the thumbs up and winking at me as though telling me everything would be all right. even from the emergency room he kept telling me not to tell my mom that he was in the hospital (i had already called her from the house) because it would ruin her vacation. fucking dad is lying on a stretcher with tubes and shit poking out of him every which way and his heart giving out and he doesn't want to ruin mom's vacation!
everything i see reminds me of that thursday. ambulance sirens sound different, firemen and paramedics taking a 7-11 coffee break make me anxious, everything on tv seems to have to do with heart attacks. viv on 'Without a Trace' had heart surgery on thursday night. on saturday night i i watched 'Garden State' with a girlfriend not knowing that it is about a guy who goes home for his mother's funeral. it's not as though all these things weren't around before, i'm sure they were, i just never noticed them so much because there was no worry about heart attacks and my dad was still alive.
i'm worried that how i deal with dad's death will affect my relationships: with friends, my mom, and particularly with boyfriends. i seem to have some fucking luck where some major crisis occurs shortly after i begin seeing someone i really like. a couple months after my last big relationship started in 2000, i fell into a pretty major depression that affected the whole 4 years and 9 months we were together. he was a real help to me during the depression, but in a lot of ways it ruined the romantic aspect of our relationship. and now, maybe 6 weeks after i start seeing ashton, my father dies...and i'm starting to fear that i'm going to do something that scares him away; because the girl he is getting now is not me, it's the really sad version of me just trying to get by.
i so want to do things right this time. i want to be able to have a relationship without having tragedy and serious shit interrupt it and fuck it up! i just want to find a job, get an apartment, find someone who i love and who loves me back and be happy. that shouldn't be too much to ask.
posted by ago-go @ 12:20 a.m.
9 Comments:
I'm glad you're able to write about this stuff. Shows that you do have some sort of a handle on things.
I've been in Ashton's shoes before, and I can say that it's not easy. If you've got a good start on your relationship, that helps. And only you two can figure that out. I'd caution you not to overanalyze the situation. Just allow things to happen. Allow him to help as much as he's able. And don't try to spare his feelings. I think you two need to be very open to/for each other.
I'm off my soapbox now. Hope you had a good weekend!
Wow, I want to comment on this, but need more time to formulate something. Don't want to sound preachy about what I might say. Hang in there Ago.
I've been on both sides of this situation, and I'll tell ya, it's not easy in either person's shoes. However, I will tell you, take care of yourself and put yourself first. I hope that Ashton comes through with flying colors, but if for some reason he doesn't, that's a teller of how he's going to be during the tough situations in the future. Hugs to ya...you're in my prayers.
thanks guys, that made me feel better.
i don't want to sound like i think ashton's "the one" or anything...don't worry, i'm not planning the wedding. it's just hard because we're in the 'under 3 months fragile relationship' category and the role of grieving girlfriend is not always most conducive to building a good foundation. i know that things will ultimately work out for the best and so far things are ok. it's just that sometimes i stress about it and worry about stuff before it happens.
Ago, you ARE stronger than you think. Most people wouldn't wait to alienate the guy, but would push him away during this time in their life -- like me. I would push him away. You're so much better for looking forward to something good. But you can't force anything, sad or not. Go with the flow.
About all these things you're now noticing: I go through the same thing. Someone in class on Wednesday asked me what 'renal' meant; it was benign to them but a punch in the face for me. And everyone on TV and in movies is somehow a memory trigger. It's just life.
I hope you feel better. (((Ago)))
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All I can really say is keep in touch with people. Whether it be via your blog or friends and family in town. I think as long as you are able to talk about your feelings, things will improve.
noni, i'm trying so hard not to push him away. i have moments when my inner insecure girl keeps thinking stupid things and urging me not to trust him...but he keeps proving me wrong. just trying to go with things.
egan, i have promised myself that i won't just float off into nothingness because that's not healthy. i also now know the dangers of isolating myself and depending on one person to help me. i have lots of great people around and will let them help me.
polly, you're right! there should be a rule that dads stay alive forever. especially good ones like mine.
so far there's been no family squabbling about 'stuff" but i forsee some requests from so-called friends who covet his many collections.
Damnit Ago, you're making me cry when you talk about your dad like that. I am so happy to hear he made such a lasting impression on you and others in his life. That means great memories for the rest of your life and that's a fantastic gift to receive.
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