losing a friend is kinda sad, even when you have to do it

so a while back i was all "rah rah" about my uplifting moment of standing up for myself in the face of bullshit...and i still am. but unfortunately i think i'm unable to remain friends with the guy with whom i had the issues. and not because of a grudge or anything, rather because i find myself better without the friendship and all the things that go along with it, at least right now.

so what happened after my tell-off session...i didn't talk to him (phone, email, otherwise) for almost 3 weeks and then this past sunday i did, and i didn't feel good about it at all. i realized that it was going to be a lot of work (on my part, not his) to maintain anything and i was tired of trying so hard to be his friend just so i wouldn't have to disappoint him because that's what he wanted so badly (yes, more 'people pleasing' behaviour on my part which is not good...i'm working on that).

anyone who reads this, not that anyone actually reads this, is probably wondering what the hell we fought about anyway. but it doesn't really matter. for all i care we could have been fighting about which movie to see or where to go on a road trip...it was just the really selfish way he handled things that was the real problem for me. this boy is an avoider and thinks that by not talking about things they'll just go away. or that by avoiding dealing with something, he won't have to hurt anybody's feelings and therefore his life will be easier because if you never hurt anyone's feelings then everyone will like you, right? wrong. you can't get through life never hurting anyone's feelings, it's impossible. and that's not to say that i think you should ever deliberately try to hurt someone but often dishonesty hurts way more and for much longer that the brief sting of a friend being straight-up early on. i could make excuses for him (which i have been doing): he's young, he's going through some life changes, he's trying to decide where things are going, etc....but he's not THAT young, he should know better....and who's not going through rough shit and having to make difficult decisions? everybody is.....sigh....i don't really know where i'm going with all this. i guess it's just kind of sad because he's a really nice guy and i think we could have become (and stayed) really good friends had he been honest with me along the way. and now it's too late and there's no going back.

a

i hate email (a lame blog but i figured i should write something)

i'm really starting to hate email. i come home from work expecting that during a work-day i will have received at least one message that would be of some interest. but no, i check my mail and i have 12 messages but not one of them is actually good -either an f-ing listserv, or forward, or some other news i don't want to hear. please, someone send me something i actually want to read!...like this stupid blog, i should write something people actually want to read, not this crap.

a

sometimes kids drive me insane

i work at a school and most of the time it's ok and i quite like it. it's a small school (K-8) and the kids are normally quite nice and funny. but today i don't know what the hell was going on. i show up after lunch and the library is supposed to be locked up and there are 3 grade 8 boys running around in there making faces through the windows at some younger kids outside playing. so the younger kids keep banging on the door and the boys start opening and closing it and bugging them. and they see me but they don't stop. so i tell them to get out, as they look at me like i'm insane only the way a 14 year old boy can. damn kids...and that was the 3rd time i had to kick kids out in the last week or so! and then half an hour later some grade 5s come in and hide under the computers and lock the rest of their class out of the lab! by now i'm getting really annoyed because i like kids but i hate being a babysitter when they should know better. anyway, everyone was acting crazy all afternoon and i started to wonder if it was a full moon. it is tomorrow so that explains it all. lord help me if they are equally annoying tomorrow....

a

what if there's no reason left to be friends?

yesterday i talked to the friend that i had the "issues" with earlier this year. it was forced and i was guarded and he was in serious avoidance mode again (he's really good at that). and this morning i woke up feeling shitty, shittier than when i wasn't talking to him at all which totally defeats the purpose of trying to be friends because that's supposed to be a good thing, not something stressful that makes me feel bad. so i need to figure this out because i don't NEED another friend and i'm not willing to put up with crappy feelings just to have him stick around. i guess i need to decide what i want and need in this friendship and if he can give that to me. but do i have any real interest in him as a friend anymore? do i have any interest in him at all? it's like i need him to prove that there is some reason for us to be friends....and right now i can't think of one. right now i really don't want anything from him. i don't really care if he's around and don't really have extra energy to call him up and ask him to do stuff. if that's what he wants, he needs to do something about it because i'm looking around in my life to see if there's a place for him right now and there doesn't seem to be a lot of room....i guess he needs to show me that he's worth making room for. hell knows if that will happen.

a

oh the constant reminders of how lame i am....

sometimes you just suddenly realize that things are never going to turn out the way you want them to and today was one of those days for me. let me give some background on the situation....i split up with my long-term bf of 4+ years just over 2 months ago and still i made it through my first valentine's day alone in over 5 years unscathed and ok. and then today, i pick up the paper and find that my back-up man is getting married to someone else.

so i guess i should clarify. about 6 or 7 years ago i worked in retail and this guy was a regular customer and i had the biggest crush on him. i would get all nervous when he would come in and try to find any reason to talk to him and it was cute and silly (and fine considering i was 20 or 21...). once he brought me cookies at christmas and i nearly fainted on the spot. but he was older and didn't make any moves and i was young and nervous as hell so i never did anything. and then i finally quit that crap job and moved on and never saw him again. but he was always still my backup and i could pretend that if i didn't find anyone else, he'd somehow meet up with me and we'd hook up. or something. i mean it wasn't an active ongoing thought or anything but it was fun to pretend.

so then i pick up the paper this morning and he's right there, engaged, to someone else, a girl who i happen to have had a couple of classes with in university! and i didn't like her, at all. so i get to read all about their fucking wedding, great. and yes, i know it's him for sure because there was a photo and everything.

i mean it's not as though i actually thought i would end up with this guy, it's just that it seemed like some unnecessarily cruel reminder that i am a 28 year old with a love life so shitty that i just spent almost 5 years of my life with someone that i'm not going to be with and now even my imaginary/real dream boyfriends are marrying other people! and people i don't like at that! (note: i'm sure she's a very nice person but i still think it's quite inconsiderate that she's spoiling my dream).

i am fucking due for something good any day now...

a

valentine's day...

even though i'm single on valentine's day (for the first time in 5 years), i'm doing ok. not that it was ever a big deal, i always made sure not to spend too much money and insisted that i never get flowers....i worked for a florist for a while and saw just how ridiculously overpriced everything got around holidays (valentine's day, mother's day, easter, etc.). i would actually prefer that a guy buy me flowers (gerbera daisies for anyone who's wondering) out of the blue and 'just because', not because he thinks i'll get mad at him if he doesn't. seriously, appreciate the people in your life every day. when you see something they will love, buy it for them, even if there isn't an occasion! i know i would love to get a gift on june 10th for no reason. yeah, so that's all i've got. valentine's day is fine, i'm not sad or depressed or anything so i'll just go with it for now. this is a fucking lame blog. sorry.

a

p.s...oh, and i found the best e-card...i can think of many a stupid boy to send it to.

check it out...

sometimes you really have nothing to go on...

i need to stop blaming myself for all of my fuck-ups. really. yes, some of them i am absolutely 100% responsible for but others, not so much, and i've got to be a bit easier on myself. for some reason i expect myself to know whenever someone is full of shit and telling me lies or half-truths...but i can't, i can only go from their words and their actions and try to figure out what's going on...and the whole point of a lie is that it fools you into thinking it's the truth. so i can't beat myself up for not knowing that something was going to end up being hurtful to me, because if even my sensible side couldn't see it, then how the hell was my emotional side supposed to see? and you can't respond properly to something you can't see. and the only other option is to become permanently guarded which in itself would be a huge fuck up because you'd miss out on everything fun and exciting and good. right? right.

a

i don't like you....but don't take it personally

how the hell do you not take rejection personally? i'm trying to figure that out. because every aspect of it is personal, romantic rejection especially because it's not about how well you do your job or if you're competent or talented...it just has to do with you, and all the things about you you can't change. it's particularly bad when you know that there's not a better option out there at the moment, there's just you, and they are are refusing you because they'd rather have nothing! and as bad as it is having someone pick someone else over you, it's extra crushing to have them choose 'nothing' over you as though the absence of anything good is better than having you around. how do you not take that personally? because you can change your attitude, change your looks, change the way you act, but you can't suddenly become nothing, you can't compete with that. not that you should have to because obviously this person isn't worth your time because they can't see how great you are, right? but as reasonable as it may be to say "he's not over his ex-girlfriend" or "he's not ready for a relationship" or some other thing that tries to make you feel better about not being picked, it doesn't really work because if you were the 'right' person, he'd be over his ex and he'd be ready for a relationship. and he is, but just not with you. and that hurts like a bitch.

a

meet my new husband...

so i have decided that demetri martin is my new husband.

http://www.demetrimartin.com/

i can't believe i'd never heard of him before. nerdy, funny, kinda cute, musical, intelligent...how can a girl go wrong? and 31, perfectly within my acceptable age range. plus, any man who can (and did!) write an entire poem as a palindrome has instantly won my heart. yeah, i'm a geek too. see? a match made in heaven.

a

starting over sucks....

i really hate dating, and i'm totally no good at it. when i haven't been in a relationship i've averaged 1 date per year...usually with people i had no interest in. more than one date was ended with the 'undo the seatbelt, unlock the door, and get ready to jump from the moving vehicle if he tried to kiss me' maneuver...not fun. and now that i'm single i get to start all that garbage again. where the hell do you meet people? or more precisely, 'where the hell do you meet people that you actually might want to have something to do with?', because if i really just wanted a boyfriend, i'm sure i could find someone but would i like them? be attracted to them? probably not. most of the guys i've dated i met through work (not an option right now as i work with 15 women and 2 men, neither of whom are interesting or eligible) so i have no clue where to meet people now. and it gets harder as you get older because your standards get higher; there are more things that you will NOT put up with anymore because you know better. and as great as that is, that limits the pool considerably. i mean, once you get rid of the drug users, alcoholics, smokers, and unemployed people, it's already slim pickins. add to that the need for someone whose sense of humour complements yours at least somewhat, someone you find physically attractive, someone who you can talk to about anything from the philosophical to the gutter, someone who will treat you with respect, AND someone who actually likes you back in the same way.....you might as well give up! oh, and narrow that down by age criteria because we all have it. as much as i'd like to say i'm open minded, there's no way i'd date a 50 year old guy or a 22 year old guy...although i think i'm pretty generous with my range, i'd consider anything between 25-40 (i'm 28) , maybe a little higher or lower depending on the circumstances. anyway, once i add in the age criteria, the opening gets narrower and narrower which is not so encouraging. so yeah, no people to meet and nowhere to meet them...go figure.

a

why do you have to live on a fucking main route?

it really sucks when someone you are trying to get over lives on the way to and from everywhere you go. well, maybe not everywhere but on a major route that you drive often. and so on your way to work, to go shopping, to meet up with people, whatever, you keep driving by -not because you actually want to but because you have to...because that's the fucking way to get where you need to go! and you try to pretend that you don't notice, but you do. and you check to see if their car is there because it's impossible not to because it's in plain sight. and you check to see if their lights are on because you can just see. and when you plan an alternate longer route to get somewhere, you're still fucked because you're having to think about them in order to not think about them! fucking sucks. people i am trying to avoid should be forced to move to some hidden bay in the suburbs or the north end or somewhere where i will never ever happen to drive by.

a

i am a grudge holder....

i admit it, i hold grudges. now i am a super loyal friend and girlfriend and will stand up for people i care about, be there for them no matter what...but fuck me over, and we're done. and it's not like i sit around plotting my revenge, i just will have nothing to do with these people again, ever. and i need to work on that. not so that i get walked all over (i think we all have to know who the toxic people in our lives are and try to avoid them if at all possible), i guess i mean being able to forgive people who ask for forgiveness and are worth forgiving....not only for them but for my own sake. and i think that i'm actually figuring out how. my problem has been that i don't want to upset people, to seem weak and really show how angry and upset i am, so i tend to not verbally tell people that i'm mad, i just ignore them, and that has been my problem.

i am currently dealing with a problem of this nature with a friend where i got hurt pretty badly because of some major miscommunication, avoidance, and some distorted visions of reality on both of our parts. but this time i didn't keep quiet, i kept talking, i told this person that i thought he was full of shit, why i felt hurt, why i was angry as hell. and i was pretty mad so it took a while. and after one of the many conversations/hysterical crying sessions, i came home, had a big drink, and fell asleep in my clothes crying. but the next day i was all cried out, there was nothing left. and i haven't cried about it since. and i don't think i will again. but i still had more to say so i sent an email. (one note about sending an angry email, it might be a good idea to write out what you feel, let it sit for a bit, come back to it and make sure you still feel the same way and still want to tell the other person those things. because sometimes you'll realize that you don't sound nearly as eloquent or as reasonable as you intended. also, the other person might not respond the way you want, or respond at all...and that might be ok. it was for me because i didn't care if there was a response, saying what i needed to was enough) . anyway, the email was bitter and angry but i said what i needed to. and because of that, we might be able to stay friends because i'm not holding in things i wish i had said, which is what i've realized has been making me stay mad and resentful. so it's shitty that i'm dealing with a difficult crap situation but i'm really proud that i stood up for myself emotionally. we're all going to get hurt and burned but you don't have to fucking lie there and take it and beg for more. yeah, so that's my uplifting thought for the day....we'll see how long that lasts.

a

this needs a title...

so i'm thinking this 'nice me here' thing isn't going to work, because while i'm not seething with rage so much anymore, i don't really have too many nice things to talk about.

the last few months have been pretty shitty with annoying life changes (break-up, job crap, living situation annoyances, etc.) and i'm just waiting for all that to change....anytime now....

actually, 2004 was a totally garbage year full of stress, bad decisions, and more stress. and so far, 2005 hasn't really been much better. but i'm beginning to think that when you're in a bad space, you're so desperate for something to go right that you leave yourself open to things that normally you'd have the common sense to avoid, and more bad shit happens to you. i guess that's my problem right now, i figure something's got to go right soon so why don't i give it a shot, and then i do and i get fucked and think "why the hell did i do that"? i'm finding it really hard to find a balance between taking risks that are necessary to live a decent life, be a happy person, have new experiences, etc. and those that are just plain old stupid and bound to get you hurt. you never really know until the damage has already been done....so fucking helpful.

a

it seems silly to have two but...

so i've actually had another blog going for a bit, but it turns out that it's not really one that i want anyone to see...stuff on it was pretty fucking harsh. so, i'm starting this one. we'll see if i can keep 2 of them going or not and be a split personality with nice me here and bitter me over there.

a