i am a grudge holder....

i admit it, i hold grudges. now i am a super loyal friend and girlfriend and will stand up for people i care about, be there for them no matter what...but fuck me over, and we're done. and it's not like i sit around plotting my revenge, i just will have nothing to do with these people again, ever. and i need to work on that. not so that i get walked all over (i think we all have to know who the toxic people in our lives are and try to avoid them if at all possible), i guess i mean being able to forgive people who ask for forgiveness and are worth forgiving....not only for them but for my own sake. and i think that i'm actually figuring out how. my problem has been that i don't want to upset people, to seem weak and really show how angry and upset i am, so i tend to not verbally tell people that i'm mad, i just ignore them, and that has been my problem.

i am currently dealing with a problem of this nature with a friend where i got hurt pretty badly because of some major miscommunication, avoidance, and some distorted visions of reality on both of our parts. but this time i didn't keep quiet, i kept talking, i told this person that i thought he was full of shit, why i felt hurt, why i was angry as hell. and i was pretty mad so it took a while. and after one of the many conversations/hysterical crying sessions, i came home, had a big drink, and fell asleep in my clothes crying. but the next day i was all cried out, there was nothing left. and i haven't cried about it since. and i don't think i will again. but i still had more to say so i sent an email. (one note about sending an angry email, it might be a good idea to write out what you feel, let it sit for a bit, come back to it and make sure you still feel the same way and still want to tell the other person those things. because sometimes you'll realize that you don't sound nearly as eloquent or as reasonable as you intended. also, the other person might not respond the way you want, or respond at all...and that might be ok. it was for me because i didn't care if there was a response, saying what i needed to was enough) . anyway, the email was bitter and angry but i said what i needed to. and because of that, we might be able to stay friends because i'm not holding in things i wish i had said, which is what i've realized has been making me stay mad and resentful. so it's shitty that i'm dealing with a difficult crap situation but i'm really proud that i stood up for myself emotionally. we're all going to get hurt and burned but you don't have to fucking lie there and take it and beg for more. yeah, so that's my uplifting thought for the day....we'll see how long that lasts.

a