i'd like to say a few words...

(it was so painful....like the arm wrestling all over again...the first time with the uncle, not this past sunday with 'the boy')


when someone stands up and says, "I'd like to say a few words..." it is secret code for,

"I am about to get up and speak some crazy-ass bullshit. I might start off making sense, but don't you worry, I will soon take you on a long, oratory train wreck that will cause you to wonder, despite the fact that we are at an event that serves only coffee, tea, and raspberry cordial, if i am drunk. And I may very well be drunk, maybe i'm carrying a flask in the pocket of my strange tweed jacket, you don't know! But you still can't stop me. Ha ha!

With the best of intentions, I will tell stories that:

A) at most only peripherally relate to the event at hand, (in this case, a wedding shower)

B) have no relation to one another,

and

C) are guaranteed to offend at least half the audience.


I will probably throw in some sentimental shit for good measure (and so that you feel bad for getting impatient with my speech) and will conclude with a mostly unrelated toast that is intended to:

A) weakly mop up all the bullshit i spewed all over the floor...more like smear it in a thin layer all over the floor,

B) try to distract you from my convoluted rant,

and

C) attempt to fool you into believing that my monologue was actually for the benefit of someone other than myself. Oh, how I love the sound of my own voice. Cheers."

if you hear these words, you will want to run and hide. if you can take cover, please do so, you'll be much better off in the bathroom than at the front of the room where everyone can see your confused looks and stifled laughter faces.