gong show doctor's office visit, AKA some days you should just not leave the house...

had a semi-emergency visit to the doctor on saturday. i show up at five minutes to 9 hoping to be the first person there and there are already 3 other people waiting. we wait and wait and wait and it's quarter after and we're still standing outside. finally get in and white trash trailer receptionist shows up wearing daisy dukes and a white elastic peasant top. so not only does she look like she should be drunk at a barbeque, she brings her 2 kids to work! to work! why why why? so this woman has her 2 evil children with her and they are goddamn feral children. wild, running around, slamming doors, fighting with each other...you'd think if you were forced to bring your devil spawn to work you'd bring a colouring book or something so they don't start climbing the walls. but i guess when you let wolves raise your children you don't think about things like that.

so derrick (satan's 3 year old) is about to slam the door on the reception desk for the 18th time and meanwhile, evil 5 year old daughter is attacking herself with a self-inking stamp. stamping her arms, stamping her legs...then she stops, holds the stamp up to her neck, looks us right in the eye, scowls, and fucking rams herself in the neck with the stamp. 10 minutes later trailer mom finally notices this and says angrily "why on earth would you do that to yourself?" i nearly fell of my seat. you see, trailer mom has half a dozen cheap ass lick-and-stick style tattoos all over her body: her boobs, her back, her arms....and she's wondering why her daughter felt inclined to stamp herself? now that is comedy.

so i finally get in to see the doctor and he figures i need to get a urine test. so i walk to the washroom, step over derrick having a fit on the floor, and go pee in the cup, put it on the bathroom shelf, leave, and give the slip to the lady at the desk. "where's your sample?", she asks me. i left it in the bathroom because i figure that's where you should leave samples, and she asks me to get it. so i'm walking through a busy waiting room of people carrying a hot glass of pee that looks like beer and clamato juice. she looks at it and says, "weren't you given a jar?" what? a fucking jar? there were only cups in the bathroom! so she gives me a little jar and i have to walk back across the lobby with my radioactive urine, step over derrick, go to the washroom and pour my pee from the glass into the jar, walk back across the lobby with the pee in the jar and give it to the woman at the desk! fuck, how fucking embarrassing.

so then i wait for the woman to call me back to the doctor's office and she sits me down and leaves the room. 2 seconds later, she comes back and whispers to me, "you weren't here for a pregnancy test, were you?" uh, no...should i be? "oh good", she says, "i did the right test then!" the right test? jesus fucking christ woman! what the hell?

fucking gong show i tell you.