something's missing...
this was the first Thanksgiving without my dad.
i don't really care all that much about the holiday (other than the monday off) because normally we'd just have a quiet family time at home. this year my mom went out of town to visit her brother and i was home by myself for a few days. on the friday before Thanksgiving i went to make dinner and came across the frozen pizzas i was going to make the day my dad died of the heart attack on may 5th.
the day he died we were at home by ourselves and i was going to throw in the pizza so we could hang out and eat and watch tv for a bit. that never happened. i was downstairs, heard a crash, ran upstairs and found my dad ice old on the floor. on of the first thing he said to me was, "don't bother cooking for me, i'm not hungry." needless to say, i wasn't thinking about eating and those pizzas sat on the countil until i finally threw them back in the freezer.
that was 6 months ago. 2 fridays ago i finally decided to eat them, kind of a virtual Thanksgiving with my dad. it felt so sad to not be eating with him, he was my Law & Order buddy, my pizza eating buddy, the person who helped me tease my mom. i miss him so much. i'm really sad that he can't meet my new boy. i'm sad about a lot of things. next comes his birthday, american Thanksgiving (which he always celebrated with his sisters in the US until the last one died in 2004), Christmas, the scattering of his ashes. i don't think i want to be there for that, i have my own ways of saying goodbye; eating our last pizza, flipping through his record albums, sleeping in the sweater that still smells like him. i just wish i didn't have to keep saying goodbye over and over again.
posted by ago-go @ 5:13 p.m.
9 Comments:
Bitch spammer!
That was a nice post. I like that you still had the pizzas in the freezer! Rather than thinking of these reminders as being bad things, think of them as a chance to relive the wonderful times you had together. As time goes by, it'll get better. Hugs to ya!
Dammit Ago-go, you brought a tear to my eye. I love that you ate the pizza as a way to remember your dad. Death is hard on so many levels. Amazingly it does get easier as time passes, but hang in there. Great post and thanks for sharing your feelings. It's not easy to do.
That's really nice, ago. I'm sure your dad appreciated the pizza, too.
My mom died in 1993, so I can tell you that you're going to have better days, and bad days for a long time. But once you make peace with yourself, you'll make peace with him, and it won't hurt so much that he isn't physically there to share things with you.
I'm with Egan in that I sorta teared up while reading this post. And that's saying a lot, as I'm a heartless bastard. Love ya, babe.
Oh, and that spammer can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Awww, I really feel for you. And you don't have to keep saying goodbye. He's always with you. Just look at it as little reminders that he is there, not that he's gone. Your little personal tributes to your dad are what matter most. I hope that the saying is true, although I know it can't totally be that "time heals all wounds..." Take care of your heart...
Your post got me misty, but it also made me smile. I love the pizza thing. It's those little things that are so personal to each of us that are precious.
Hugs.
thanks everyone. i'd actually been thinking about writing this post since Thanksgiving but couldn't do it. not only is it hard being upset, but seeing my mom so sad too is difficult.
im crying. that was beautiful and man does it make me think.
i am just so thankful that you have so many wonderful memories and i just hope that some day they bring you more joy than pain.
oh ago
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